Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting
Pastor Bob Henry
November 22, 2020
Romans 5:3-5 The Message
3-5 There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
Good morning, Friends and thank you Eric for that beautiful rendition of “40” – a song based on the words of the scriptural Psalm 40 – which focuses on bridging the space between lament and thanksgiving – just what I am exploring in this sermon.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have been observing carefully what people around me say that they are thankful for in preparation for what I was going to say today.
Obviously, the ongoing pandemic and the continued rise in cases has caused some restlessness in our lives – even a new medical term we now know as “pandemic fatigue” has arisen.
I sense these conditions have led many people to be fed up, weary, and seeking release. Take for instance, one of the phrases I have heard on numerous occasions in my pastoral conversations this week,
“Thank you for letting me vent.”
As a pastor, whose ministry as of late consists in doing a lot more listening and having less answers, letting people download and process out loud seems to be a key aspect of helping them find relief and hope in such discouraging times.
Usually, the Thanksgiving holiday raises concerns of family members coming and downloading or venting their views, frustrations, and opinions around the dinner table - making everyone overwhelming uncomfortable – especially during a political year.
And in years past, the days and weeks following Thanksgiving, I would normally receive a plethora of phone calls of people needing to download and vent their Thanksgiving conversations.
Currently, I sense the limits of the pandemic taking its toll and leaving us having these conversations in our own minds – thus the relevance of making space for venting in the present moment.
I know when I find myself venting to someone (which I have to admit I have been doing a lot lately) I immediately find a sense of guilt or the realization that no one really deserves to have me download all my feelings on them. Yes, I too have said those words,
“Thank you for letting me vent.”
But folks, just maybe this expression of gratitude is the genuine declaration of our souls, because it speaks honestly to our condition.
Adele Ahlberg Calhoun illustrates this this when she writes,
“Thankfulness is a thread that can bind together all the patchwork squares of our lives. Difficult times, happy days, seasons of sickness, hours of bliss – all can be sewn together into something lovely with the thread of thankfulness.”
When we say “Thank you for letting me vent” we are realizing that the difficult parts of our lives need balanced by a loving and thankful response. And just maybe that gratitude is at the core of our healing.
A person that has taught me so much about gratitude and giving thanks is Henri Nouwen. His humble and thoughtful approach to life’s difficulties have helped me see how we can achieve more of this healing balance. He says,
“Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice. I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment.
It is amazing how many occasions present themselves in which I can choose gratitude instead of a complaint. . . . The choice for gratitude rarely comes without some real effort.
But each time I make it, the next choice is a little easier, a little freer, a little less self-conscious. . .
There is an Estonian proverb that says: “Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.”
Acts of gratitude make one grateful because, step by step, they reveal that all is grace.
Folks, you and I have choices – we each have the power to interpret our life’s frustrations and the difficulties we face in the present. We have a choice whether we are going to be bitter or grateful people.
That is why it makes sense that we say things like, “Thank you for letting me vent.” We feel better sharing with others our frustrations and difficulties, and we know if we stay stuck in those feelings that it will become all bottled up inside of us and make us bitter and discouraged.
Instead, our desire should be to see those things in which we need to vent as part of our journey. Again, Henri Nouwen says,
“Jesus calls us to recognize that gladness and sadness are never separate, that joy and sorrow really belong together, and that mourning, and dancing are part of the same movement.
That is why Jesus calls us to be grateful for every moment that we have lived and to claim our unique journey as God’s way to mold our hearts to greater conformity with God’s own…
It is so easy for me to put the bad memories under the rug of my life and to think only about the good things that please me.
By doing so, however, I prevent myself from discovering the joy beneath my sorrow, the peace hidden in the midst of my conflicts, and the strength that becomes visible in the midst of my weakness.” (“All is Grace” 39-40)
That is why when we proclaim gratitude for the opportunity to vent our frustrations, it is an acknowledgement that we are discovering our joy again, that we are sensing some peace in the midst of the struggles, and that we are going to make it through.
When I hear those words, “Thanks for letting me vent” – I can hear in a person’s voice or even my own voice, a glimmer of hope.
Is everything all figured out? No
Are there still difficulties? Yes
Is my attitude changed? Maybe or it is beginning to be seen in a new light.
In this moment, gratitude is a predictor of hope and happiness to come.
If that is the case, then maybe during these difficult times, we need to embrace a posture of gratitude and giving thanks so we can see the hope and happiness awaiting us instead of spiraling down into despair and bitterness for the things we cannot control.
To illustrate what I have been learning about gratitude and hope in difficult times, I want to share with you what I might call a “Grateful Lament.”
It is written by Colleen Temple and is titled: “To my friends who let me vent—thank you for not judging me.”
It capsulates so much of what I have said and what many of us are experiencing. Collen writes…
I pride myself on not complaining much. I make a conscious effort to not drag on and on about how hard things can seem or how exhausted I am to my friends and family because—what's the point?
Everyone is tired or frustrated or stressed about something at different moments throughout the day, throughout the week. No matter how rich you are, how beautiful you are, how fit you are, how "together" you are, it doesn't matter.
Bad things still happen, stress is still present, and challenges still get in your way.
You can't throw money at a tantrum.
Your student loan debt doesn't care about the number on the scale (just the number on your bill.)
No one is excused from problems, issues, stressors or challenges—they happen to everyone.
So, since everyone has their own stuff going on, why should anyone else care about mine? (Except my husband—he has to care. 😂)
Well, because sometimes you just have to vent, to just let it all out—in a safe, judgement-free zone. And if you want to be the vent-er, you have to be able to be the vent-ee, too.
It's nice to be able to be the friend who listens. I will commiserate with my BFF when she texts about the five consecutive nights they've had with rough bedtimes.
I will nod and "amen!" throughout my sister's rant about feeling like there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that's expected of us.
I'm happy to know my friends feel comfortable enough with me to let loose; to let their anger, worries, frustrations out.
And it's always nice to know who your go-to person is that you can go to day or night with any complaint that you just need to get off your chest—knowing you won't be judged.
So, to my person—thank you.
Thank you for letting me come over and basically yell at you (but not at you) about someone who really ticked me off. You have saved me from lashing out at that person at the height of my frustration and instead allowed me to calm down a bit before I address it with them directly.
Thank you for letting me complain about the way my haircut turned out or the gray eyebrow hair I found or the way I'm feeling about my body on a bad day.
You have saved me from continuing to obsess about these things in my own mind.
Thank you for letting me text you 10 messages in a row detailing what my kiddo is melting down over. Multiple times. At various points on various days. You have saved me from thousands of meltdowns, too.
Thank you for letting me grumble about how tired I am some days or how much I have to do or how everything seems to be piling up on me—when I know you have the same stuff going on in your life, too.
We're both in the thick of parenting young kids but you always hear me out and make me feel like my worries are legitimate. Quite frankly, you've saved me from feeling like I'm losing it.
Thank you for letting me hash out a problem that's really bothering me. You have saved me from letting negative feelings bubble up inside me. Letting it out with you is better than an explosion at them, right?
Sometimes I really do just have to lay it all out there. To say what I need to say to someone I trust with my feelings. To feel heard. To help sort through my worries and fears.
As my 4-year-old daughter said tonight in an overly exhausted mini-meltdown, "Whining just helps me calm down, Mom."
Whining/complaining/venting helps me think through something I need help processing or allows me to say something that I feel like I need to say to someone but that someone probably shouldn't hear it, so you get to hear it instead.
I have my occasional vent session here and there and then; I try to move on. Because I feel like if I dwell in the Land of Complaints, then I get stuck.
And I definitely don't want to be stuck feeling sorry for myself or being pitied.
I want to—and I want to teach my children to—pick myself up by the bootstraps and soldier on.
Life is great and I am lucky to be here. Sure, sometimes things will bother me—and I can and should acknowledge them—but ultimately, I'd rather focus on the positive than the negative.
So, I guess whining helps me calm down sometimes, too. And while I'm not going to whine all the time and I'm not going to whine to just anyone—I am really glad I have you to whine to, my friend.
Thank you, Colleen for this “Grateful Lament.” And thank you for illustrating how your gratitude can be a predictor of hope.
Folks, I challenge you this Thanksgiving Week, if you find yourself venting, sensing bitterness in your soul, or feeling overwhelmed by life, take time to reach out to a friend – someone that you are grateful for and that will really listen.
Or if you need someone who will listen, give me or Beth a call. We will listen and allow you to vent.
And as you vent, lean into a posture of gratitude and let it grow for the person listening to you and for the ways God is unveiling hope in your life.
During waiting worship today, I ask that you consider these queries.
1. Who allows me to vent my frustrations and struggles? Have I acknowledged my gratitude for their presence?
2. Since gratitude is a choice, where in my life do I need to choose gratitude over becoming bitter?
3. This week, how will I look for God to unveil hope in my life?