The Art of Listening
Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting
Pastor Bob Henry
August 15, 2021
Good morning and welcome to Light Reflections. The scripture for today is from James 1:19-25 from the New Revised Standard Version.
19 You must understand this, my beloved: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for your anger does not produce God’s righteousness. 21 Therefore rid yourselves of all sordidness and rank growth of wickedness, and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls. 22 But be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves. 23 For if any are hearers of the word and not doers, they are like those who look at themselves] in a mirror; 24 for they look at themselves and, on going away, immediately forget what they were like. 25 But those who look into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and persevere, being not hearers who forget but doers who act—they will be blessed in their doing.
After openly sharing a couple of weeks ago my personal perspectives of the state of our Yearly Meeting and what I believe is going to be a key in changing our current trajectory, I found myself having some wonderful conversations with several of you.
The stories, the struggles, the possibilities have begun to surface, and I am seeing a desire to continue this conversation through these First Day teachings.
Just to review, two weeks ago I spoke of the transitions and movements that have taken place away from our original text leaving us with the loss of a common vocabulary. This then creating a void of new storytelling among Quakers.
Last week, I shared how this void has led to an “identity crisis” among Friends, another symptom of a lost common vocabulary and the need once again to “Let our live speak.”
During waiting worship last week for those at our in-person Meeting for Worship, Friend John Moorman brought up another very important aspect of this teaching which I had already planned to speak on this week – that being the importance of listening to each other.
I have never found “listening” to be an easy subject to address from the pulpit – or for that matter in any aspect of life. My first thought goes to the challenges associated with teaching children or pets to listen – which often takes years of discipline, patience, and a commitment to continual teaching and re-teaching.
So even though this one teaching will be woefully brief in comparison, I think it is absolutely necessary for the future of Quakerism and even for the future of our Meeting.
This is probably because, if we were honest, we all have had times when listening has been difficult.
It is much easier to tell our stories, give our perspectives, and explain our understandings and approaches while others listen to us wax eloquently in utter astonishment at our wisdom (I’m being sarcastic…to a point).
Actually, our world offers classes on making one’s point, giving speeches, and even story-telling, but rarely do we find offerings for learning to listen better.
This week as I sat down to begin my week and check the emails that had piled up over the weekend, Good Morning America was on in the background, and a segment caught my attention. It was in how the announcer introduced the segment that drew me in. He said,
“You have heard of a library of books, but have your ever heard of a library of people? In our next segment we are going to introduce you to a library made up of only real people.”
I immediately stopped filing through my emails and turned up the television. After the commercial break, I was introduced to The Human Library a not-for-profit learning platform that has hosted personal conversations designed to challenge stigma and stereotypes since 2000.
There concept is to create a space for dialogue where topics are discussed openly between, what they label “human books” and their “readers.” If you want to learn about some of their “human books” you can go on their website, www.humanlibrary.org and meet their collection of “books” – actually you can even become a “book” as well.
I quickly went to their site and found myself immersed in this concept. I filed through their “card catalog” and I met several human books like “Alcoholic,” and “Convert” (because that seemed intriguing as a pastor), and then I met Unemployed. For the next hour I was occupied by the stories of real people that minutes before I did not even know existed.
At one of the Human Library’s in-person events you can choose to listen, interact and -- unlike a real book -- ask questions of these individuals – or “human books.”
Each person or “human book” is a volunteer with personal experience with their specific topic. So instead of going and searching for a book at the library – you go to a library, museum, festival, conference, school, university, or private setting to choose a real person to engage and learn from.
Immediately, I understood why The Human Library considered their work a worldwide movement for social change. In just an hour online, I was moved to tears and even wanting to experience something like this in Indianapolis.
But as I did more research about the Human Library, I began to read about one of their biggest challenges – that being listening. As they have continued to adapt this concept for a worldwide audience, they have had to begin teaching listening techniques and even offering pre-listening exercises to help people become more aware of how much they struggle with listening.
The Human Library has learned that if people are not trained to listen well, it will be a crutch or barrier for the greater work of learning to, as they say, “unjudge someone” and “not judge a book by its cover.”
In my doctoral work, I spent some time researching listening in the Bible. Our scripture text for today, always found its way to my studies because James was giving practical advice to the early followers of Christ. And what he describes is very similar to what the Human Library Movement has learned. James stated it simply:
“..let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger…
and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls”
Interestingly, I found that James suggests that listening to others is a means of, as he says, “ridding ourselves of wickedness.”
As Quakers who believe there is that of God in others, we must acknowledge that when we are communicating with our neighbor – both sharing and listening – we may be hearing from the Divine through them – or as James refers to it – “welcoming with meekness the implanted word.”
James goes even further and says that when we truly listen to our neighbors, we may even remove the anger and arrogance that keep us from following and hearing the Divine in our lives and the lives of our neighbor. This makes listening to one another of utmost importance.
But let’s be honest…being quick to listen does not come easy. Actually, listening may be difficult for many of us for a myriad of reasons.
Ian Brownlee says there are 8 Principal Problems of Effective Listening – which I have been studying and considering in my own listening habits as well as the listening habits of those around me.
Just take a moment to listen as I share these 8 Problems Brownlee identifies and see which ones are a barrier to listening for you.
Problem 1 is The Law of Closure
This happens when we are listening and begin to fill-in the “blanks” with information drawn from our own experiences so that we do not feel we have partial information. It is the need to feel we have “all” of the information – even if it is wrong! Yet sadly this can lead us to draw inappropriate or incorrect conclusions about what we are listening to and cause us to respond in a wrong way.
Problem 2 is the Law of Field.
Listening effectively means we stay focused on the person we are communicating with and concentrating on what they are saying (and NOT saying). Sometimes we lose our focus by looking at our cell phones, or if our conversation is interrupted by someone, we no longer are able to listen effectively.
Problem 3 is Prejudice.
This can be conscious or subconscious prejudice. This may be related directly to the other person based on your previous experiences with them either directly or indirectly or based on the topic being discussed, the environment, or your emotional or physical state at the moment, or a myriad of other factors. The key is staying aware of our prejudices and learning how to separate them from the person we are listening to.
Problem 4 is Selective Listening.
This is when we come with our “own agenda” about how we are going to control the conversation in terms of topic(s), structure, duration, or preconceived ideas of how it will develop – instead of actually listening to the person speaking. This also means we tend to listen for what we WANT to hear instead of what is actually being said.
Problem 5 is Time.
To effectively listen, you need to be able to dedicate the time needed for the task. If either party is in a hurry or crunched for time – the conversation will suffer.
Problem 6 is Logistical Structure or Congruence.
Most people tend to expect, and even look for, a logical sequence or structure to their communications. If we believe “A” is true, and “B” is also true, then “C” and every following element must logically fit with the information preceding and following it. If it doesn’t happen it creates an incongruence and leads to a block in the communication.
Problem 7 is Presuppositions or Going Beyond.
Some people extrapolate or in their mind go beyond what they hear instead of being contained by what the person actually says.
Problem 8 is Questions.
As Quakers, we may understand this one the best, but not utilize it often enough when listening. Asking questions periodically while listening can help clarify and help one gain a greater perspective on what the person is conveying – it also helps check to make sure you have heard correctly.
So, did any of those speak to your condition? I know they did mine.
They aren’t easy to identify sometimes, because we are too wrapped up with what we want to say, what we want to see happen, or what we think is right.
Yet, if we are willing to listen, we may actually choose to change our perspectives, actions, or even what we believe.
If anything, when we are willing to truly listen to each other, we at least begin to “rid ourselves of wickedness.” The Greek word for wickedness in our text for today is kakia which can be translated evil or wickedness but points specifically to the person who does this evil – or better yet the “evil doer.” That makes those who don’t take the time to truly listen “evil-doers,” or as my commentary stated - people who desire injury.
As a minister, listening to others and having people listen to me is crucial to my ministry. As a recorded and released minister among Friends, I was called to communicate what I believe the Spirit has led me to say – and I am very aware that not everyone wants to hear my perspective and that is fine. Even at times, some people feel it necessary to explain, to debate, or even expand what I have said to include things that I do not believe or have not said.
Take for instance all the talk in our meeting about me not appreciating the organ. I want to make it clear that I have never once said I want to get rid of our organ. I have never said that I want to rip it out of the Meeting Room or even reduce its use. I feel we have a wonderful balance of musical expressions at First Friends and am thankful for each of them.
Even through all the difficulties of the pandemic, Eric and I worked hard to balance this out. Yet in the last several weeks, I have had people tell me they have heard from others that I am anti-organ. That is an outright lie and it comes from a lack of listening.
As well, I want to dispel a couple of other rumors that I believe are simply a lack of listening. I am not anti-Western Yearly Meeting or Quaker. If you have heard that from someone or have come to believe it yourself, you have not heard what I have been saying and need to come to me for clarification.
For over 10 months, I dedicated a lot of my personal time, during a pandemic, and on top of my duties as your pastor, to clerk the Leadership Search Committee in procuring a new Superintendent for Western Yearly Meeting. I have served faithfully our Yearly Meeting, attended all our annual sessions for the past four years, and even at your asking was recorded among Western Yearly Meeting. If anything, I have been more committed to Western Yearly Meeting than many of my fellow pastors within it.
Do I want to see it change for the better and thrive, yes! Does that mean I may talk openly about its difficulties and what part we play in making positive change? Yes!
And in this same way, I want us to continue to change and thrive at First Friends! We must not become stagnant and comfortable, or I believe we will simply dry up and wither away like many others around us have. I do not want to see that.
I believe strongly in the Quaker Way and that First Friends has a unique opportunity to make an impact on the greater Quaker World – If, and only if, we are willing to listen to one another.
And no, if any of you think I am worried about being fired by First Friends for sharing honestly what the Spirit has led me to say (even if it is difficult, challenging, and not the most popular thing to say), that too is false.
I have never once had the least bit worry of you removing me from this pulpit or from my ministry among Friends. I believe this to be a Divine Calling and sometimes that means I am going to be called to say difficult things, to challenge us to shift or change, to make us feel uncomfortable.
Folks, ministry is no easy task, but it becomes nearly impossible when people are unwilling to listen to each other. And this goes for me as well – I too must constantly work on becoming a better listener for the benefit of our ministry and I am committed to doing just that.
I spend my entire week, every week, meeting with and listening to people (many of you), to my family, to my fellow pastors, to new people I meet for the very first time. I work very hard on trying not to allow those eight problems of listening to get in my way, so that I can truly experience that of God in those around me. And the reason being is I truly love each of you, want to hear your stories, and want you to know I believe we have something incredibly special that must not be ruined by a lack of listening.
Folks, listening is a key factor in effective communication as well as effective ministry. So, I ask you this morning…
Will you join me in this commitment to work on becoming better listeners?
As we enter Waiting Worship, this morning, I pray these queries will challenge us all in our listening skills and for the betterment of our relationships as a gathered community of Friends.
1. Am I quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become anger?
2. In what areas of my life do I need to work on listening more and speaking less?
3. Of the 8 Problems of Effective Listening, which one(s) do I struggle with the most?