Happy Father’s Day and welcome to Light Reflections. Our scripture for this morning is from Proverbs 4:1-5 (from The Message)
1 Listen, friends, to some fatherly advice; sit up and take notice so you'll know how to live. 2 I'm giving you good counsel; don't let it go in one ear and out the other. 3 When I was a boy at my father's knee, the pride and joy of my mother, 4 He would sit me down and drill me: "Take this to heart. Do what I tell you - live! 5 Sell everything and buy Wisdom! Forage for Understanding! Don't forget one word! Don't deviate an inch!
For the past few weeks, my son, Lewis, and I have been doing a lot of driving. Lewis is a bit behind on his driver’s education because of the Pandemic, and this week started his driving part of the driver’s training class (which we were told might have a 10-week delay).
To give him a bit of a jump on the class, we have been learning to drive to his work and back home. Living in Hamilton County that means he gets a lot of practice with round-a-bouts.
Actually, if you can believe it, I counted nine in less than two miles from Lewis’ work and back again. I guess we truly are obsessed as the media says about round-a-bouts in our town. Lewis has done a great job navigating them and is becoming a great driver.
I have found myself as we are driving saying things like, “Grandpa taught me to do this” or “My dad showed me this.”
When I taught our son, Sam, how to drive a stick last year, I also went back to that patient, but often challenging, moments with my dad when he taught me. I think my dad taught me some of the most valuable life lessons when teaching me to drive a stick.
· Have patience and don’t get flustered - stay calm.
· Feel the car and know your surroundings.
· Never try to force the gears, let them come naturally.
· Be an offensive not a defensive driver.
· Relax and enjoy the experience.
Because of this, I have been a very confident and safe driver, I know when something is wrong with our cars (even though I may not know how to fix it), I don’t get flustered when in difficult driving situations, and I enjoy driving and road trips more than any other form of transportation.
Thanks, Dad for teaching me such important lessons that can also be translated to everyday life.
Actually, taking a moment to really think about it, my dad lives by these lessons. I have seen them my entire life, and I can see clearly where they have translated into my daily life.
Obviously, some have been more challenging than others, but they have definitely led to rewarding, growing and stretching life experiences.
· Having Patience and staying calm.
· Knowing your surroundings and your feelings.
· Never forcing a situation, but rather working to let things come naturally.
· Living offensively or as I would translate it PROACTIVELY.
And as I have been talking about the last couple weeks…
· Finding time for relaxation and the enjoyment of life’s experiences.
And most of all – each of these lessons must be accompanied by compassion and a sincere desire to love, nurture, and care for those around us - especially our family and loved ones. Those are fathering lessons we can celebrate!
Now, just like on Mother’s Day, I must acknowledge that not all fathers are like mine. I have been blessed to have a gentle, loving, and wise father, but sadly that is not the case for everyone. My dad has been a role model in ways that he probably doesn’t even know. Some of us have fathers who are great role models, others have horrible models, or none at all.
This is why I believe we need a new vision of “fathering” for our day and age.
Colby Martin wrote the following Father’ Day Reflection and Prayer that I believe speaks to our condition. He begins by stating a truth – he says,
“Fathering feels like a complicated role.”
In the 23 years of being a father of three amazing young men, I must agree, it has been complicated (to say the least). And much of that complication came from what I learned about “fatherhood” and “fathering” from the church. Martin explains it as he continues.
By [complicated] I mean that many of us have individually and collectively expanded our consciousness around issues like patriarchy and toxic masculinity--including the role that religion has played with its dogmatic presuppositions of the superiority of the male species--and in the newly formed spaces of that consciousness-expansion we are left with voids that we are unsure how to fill.
My upbringing in a church that silenced women, had no place for the LGBTQ+, and even unaware or in “good conscience” indoctrinated its people with the damaging teachings of Focus on the Family and other religious groups subtly or even at times openly promoting patriarchal and misogynist beliefs. In my lifetime a shift took place within the Church that clearly redefined the roles and becoming a Quaker has only solidified this new understanding.
Martin also addresses this and then asks us some important queries – he says,
If the traditional roles of men and women, fathers, and mothers, have been malformed and made grotesque by patriarchal structures and the oppression of the feminine, then how do we begin to re-imagine what it means to be a father? Or what it means to father people in light of our new awareness?
How do we name and celebrate and honor the role of the Father without simultaneously re-injuring the wounds of those harmed by the elevation of men over women?
These are not questions just for men processing how to be better fathers – these are queries we need to ask as the people of Light who deeply value Equality as one of our distinctives.
I agree with Colby Martin, on this Father’s Day, I want to do my best to navigate the minefield of historical harm done in the name of patriarchy so that I can still speak life and beauty and hope to those who take on the role of Father.
We point our fingers and blame people too quickly without taking time to learn about their story and background. We assume that people or men will not change or that is just the way they are, but just maybe they have not been given a new vision of what it means to be a father – or of fathering.
Martin gives some important comparisons, and they speak deeply to me as a father. Things that have changed me and helped me transform the distorted and damaging view of fatherhood I used to embrace. He says,
· Instead of a cold, distant, unavailable provider, may we be a soft and present nurturer.
· Instead of being consumed with work and giving our families our leftovers, may we trust that the rewards that come from being connected to our people are infinitely more valuable than raises and climbing that ladder.
· Instead of passively accepting society’s definition of what it means to be a man, or how we subconsciously objectify women, may we take an active role of modeling a new and better way of being human and treating all people with tenderness and respect.
Please don’t miss this. Those three points I just read are also the calling for each of us. Yes, it may be slightly more important for fathers who have continued the legacy of patriarchy in a negative manner, but we all can work on being soft and present nurturers. We can all work on seeing our connections with others as more important than personal gain. And we can all model a new and better way of being human by treating ALL people with tenderness, love, and respect.
Friends, we need you (whether fathers or not).
We need you to be courageous enough to model humility.
We need you to be strong enough to practice vulnerability.
We need you to be creative enough to forge a new way forward.
This morning I applaud each of you, especially those who embody fathering roles—whether with biological, adopted, or symbolic children—I cheer you on and want you to know I believe in you and love you! Together, we can make a real difference and bring some needed balance in this overly patriarchal and male dominated world. I am grateful that my father was a soft and present nurturer and did not give our family his leftovers, and without even saying it modeled for me a better way – that I am still teaching my boys.
I pray, together, we can help each other be courageous, vulnerable, and creative and forge a new awareness and understanding of what fathering means in 2021.
You have what it takes. You are enough, and you are worthy.
Happy Father’s Day.
Now, as we enter a time of waiting worship, I ask that you ponder with me the following queries.
· How has patriarchal and toxic masculinity effected my life?
· Whether a father or not, what can I do to promote and model a better way of being human?
· What father in my life might I need to speak life, beauty and hope to, today?