When Being Right Replaces Our Joy
Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting
Pastor Bob Henry
August 25, 2024
Good morning, Friends and welcome to Light Reflections. This morning our scripture passage is from Matthew 5:20 from the New Revised Standard Version.
For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
I am friends on Facebook with a fellow classmate from my undergrad days. We have taken quite different spiritual paths since college. One path that was similar was that we both became pastors. How I remember this classmate was that he was intelligent, most of the time kind, had quite a few friends, and was wanting to honestly grow in his faith.
After college, we did not keep up with each other. The next time I ran across him was on Facebook a few years ago. It was there I saw a much different person than I remember back in college. What surprised me was that he had aged more than expected. Actually, he did not look well, or maybe better, he did not look happy or seem to have any joy. More than anything, he had become obsessed with needing to be right.
Whether he was defending his faith or justifying why someone shouldn’t be mad at him for his beliefs, he clearly wanted to win any debate that seemed to challenge or threaten his understanding of faith.
What I realized was that his faith had become all about being right – and it had clearly become his end goal. To control his perspectives, he started a YouTube Channel where he makes amateur videos about his “right” positions. Sadly, very little joy (other than the occasional sarcastic remark accompanied by a laugh) is conveyed. I cannot even watch these videos or listen to his banter because it all seems to be about feeding his identity of being right.
He talks about the need for conversations, but the only conversations he has is one-way. Sometimes in the comments, he wrestles with making his point and often people comment that he is an inflexible guy who lacks compassion.
But what is maybe the saddest is he seems willing to fracture relationships or simply ignore other’s views to maintain his “rightness.”
In the world we live in today, I am sure you too have a fellow classmate, friend, relative, spouse, sibling, child, parent, maybe even, YOU have a similar idea of being right at all costs.
I know I was being taught and indoctrinated for a long time in this mindset within the church and the parochial schools I attended in my formative years. And there was a time when I thought I had to fight hard to be right for my faith, my politics, my educational understandings. I was of the mindset it was us vs. them in many areas of my life.
But over time, I would find that winning the short-term battle of being right often led to suffering the unintended consequences of my rightness.
Folks, please understand being right is not inherently bad (clearly, I believe there are rights and wrongs), but we must acknowledge that being right at all costs can have unintended consequences – and one of those is losing our joy. It reminds me of the poem Being Right by Phil Soar.
The cost of being right sometimes
can make you look aloof
you make it seem you know it all
without a hint of truth
and though you're not big headed
someone could say that you
are someone who should be aware
of what you say and do
If we aren’t aware of this reality, we might end up as the winner standing on the top alone, lacking joy, with a lot of hurt and resentful friends, colleagues, and family.
Sadly, most of us over the last several years have faced this in our lives in some way. You have shared with me how this mentality has hurt relationships, torn apart families, and left us not just polarized but losing the joy of living life together.
Writer Calvin Rosser helped me put some perspective on this. He says,
There is a fine line between being a compassionate truth seeker who wants the best outcome for everyone and being an ego-driven maniac blinded by your own perception of reality.
Let me repeat this:
There is a fine line between being a compassionate truth seeker who wants the best outcome for everyone and being an ego-driven maniac blinded by your own perception of reality.
Just like last week talking about competition, being right is also about our personal awareness and attitude toward our neighbor and especially those who may have different views or beliefs on what they think is right.
This is where we need to differentiate being right from what the scriptures call righteousness. This often gets confused. I believe what scripture says is that God wants us to be righteous, NOT right.
Being righteous means willingly following Jesus’ teachings and example, where he has instructed us to love God and to love one another.
Yes, right knowledge can be helpful to our journey of faith, but a loving and generous heart is much more important – which also better describes being righteous.
During Jesus' time on Earth, the chief priests, scribes, and Pharisees were all very learned about the Hebrew Bible and God's law, and yet they were unrighteous in their opposition of Jesus. This is why Jesus says in our scripture for today, “unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
The Pharisees and Scribes did not help anyone but simply sought to raise themselves above the populace by being "right" at all costs. All too often, believing that we must be right at all costs gives us a feeling of self-righteousness that is in serious opposition to true righteousness.
Now folks, we must admit, from very early on being right is how most of us have been raised. In school, being right is rewarded. As one who is married to a teacher, I know that being right is what makes our teachers like us as we grow up. Being right is what proves that we’re smarter than the person next to us. It gets us the degree, lands us the job, and helps us be successful.
But here’s the problem, it is not just being right, but the desire to be right at all costs which blinds us and steals our joy. Rosser says,
When we need to be right:
· We don’t realize that the arguments with our partners/friends/colleagues/neighbors isn’t about facts. It’s about someone feeling hurt. If we respond to that hurt with rational arguments that prove our point, nothing gets solved. Instead, resentment builds.
Also, when we need to be right:
· We surround ourselves with people who have similar worldviews (I have talked about this before). Instead of confronting the discomfort of people who have different views and who might teach us something, we stay in self-imposed echo chambers of like-minded people. This approach is comfortable, but it is very limiting.
Folks, the drive to be right at all costs is blinding. If we don’t pay attention, it can lead to broken relationships, non-diverse friend groups, even terrible decisions – and all those lead to less joy in our lives and often what we label self-righteousness.
Being right isn’t worth these costs.
So, what can we do?
Before I give some take aways, I want to clarify that we are probably not going to change other people who think being right at all costs is the most important thing. The only person we can change is ourselves. That is why Jesus called us to a life of righteousness that sees and is aware.
So, let me challenge you with a couple things this week. Calvin Rosser helped me with some of these suggestions:
For the next week, pay attention to how the desire to be right manifests in your life. When you see it happening, take a pause. Really think about whether or not being right is the right thing to do.
If someone says something that you don’t believe, or if a family member starts supporting a political position or religious doctrine you disagree with, just take some time to listen and try to understand where they are coming from, first. Don’t try to come up with counterarguments. Don’t try to prove your point.
Just listen.
This will be a subtle, but significant shift. We can have better conversations when we first take time to listen.
Folks, I am not saying that it means that you tolerate false claims or drop your convictions, but it does mean that you don’t tie your self-worth and ego to being right at all costs.
When we do this, we make room for our neighbors, and we remove ourselves from ugly behavior and joylessness that comes with needing to be right.
And when you make this shift, you might just see a few wonderful things begin to happen.
We’ll be more open to new ideas.
We’ll be more curious about why people believe what they believe.
We’ll be less blind to our many biases.
We’ll develop healthier relationships.
We’ll communicate more effectively.
And most importantly, we’ll be able to enjoy more of what our neighbors and our world has to offer.
So, as we enter waiting worship this morning, take a moment to ponder the following queries:
1. How does the desire to be right manifest itself in my life?
2. With whom do I need to work on my listening skills?
3. How will I embrace righteousness and not just rightness this week?