9-1-24 - Allowing Our Assumptions and Judgments to Destroy Our Joy

Allowing Our Assumptions and Judgments to Destroy Our Joy

Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting

Pastor Bob Henry

September 4, 2024

Good morning, Friends and welcome to Light Reflections. This morning I am concluding my series on joy.  The scripture I have chosen is from  I Corinthians 12:25-26 from The Message version.

“The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don’t, the parts we see and the parts we don’t. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance.”

When I was in my doctoral program, I had a professor who started his first in-person class by having us listen to three different versions of the Star Bangled Banner.  He started by playing the now infamous version by Roseanne Barr at the San Diego Padres game in 1990, where after singing out-of-tune she closed by grabbing her crotch.  The second version was the famous 1969 Jimmy Hendricks version played solely on his guitar live at Woodstock. Finally, he concluded by playing a very traditional acapella version by Take 6 also from 1990.  Each rendition was unique and clearly prompted different responses. 

Yet, it was clear, the professor had made some assumptions and judgements about our class and what we would find the most moving out of the three.  He thought sharing these three versions in this order would move us to find the last version the most satisfying, patriotic, and overall appealing. This was his opinion. Even while he played the last version, he did not show a poker face but instead clearly identified it as his choice. 

As he moved to teaching about our experience, he shared an assumption that he had expected to be true.  He stated and asked, “I bet you liked the last one the best, why is that?”  Being a generation younger than most of the people in my class, I watched as all the Boomers in the room, to his surprise, spoke out vehemently that they disagreed. The tension in the room rose quickly. In his shock he began to push back a bit, but quickly was backed into a corner by most of the room.

As expected, no one really liked the Roseanne Barr version, but the Jimmy Hendrix version brought about a much different discussion than the professor expected.  What he did not understand was there was more behind this song than just a really good guitar player. The professor’s assumptions and judgements were exposed as the Boomers in the room shared how this version somewhat defined their generation. They shared how it spoke to an era of activism, protest, and communal Christianity.  There were deep emotions shared and some even shed tears. It was clear our professor did not know his audience.

One person in our class had a son who was an accomplished guitar player, and he shared that the artistry in the Hendrix version for those in the guitar world is a standard; that Hendrix’s version is difficult to replicate for most good guitarists.

Clearly the room of about 30 students was beginning to expose the professor’s opinions and judgments and sadly, he did not handle it well. The joy of listening to these various songs soon slipped out the door, the smile evaporated from our professor’s face, and hurt feelings even anger emerged, all due to the professor’s lack of awareness. 

Finally, one of my friends in my cohort, who is a Boomer and very activist oriented, finally called our professor out and said, “You expected us all to think the Take 6 version was the one we would most gravitate towards because that is the one you like, but you clearly did not read your class.” 

And after a bit more push back he finally admitted that he had made assumptions and judgements about what we would think.  Because of this, most found this opening experience completely tainting the rest of the class, and our professor lost the respect of most of us students. Sadly, he never recovered from that moment in the class.

This may be the best example I have ever seen of how our assumptions and judgments of others can quickly steal our joy and leave us at odds with one another. 

To begin the teaching portion of my message this morning, let’s take a moment to explore what judgements and assumptions actually are.

According to a quick search on Google, an assumption is:

“a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof” or “the action of taking on power or responsibility.”

And a judgment is:

“an opinion or conclusion”.

Let’s start by focusing on “accepting something as true without proof”.

When we assume, we’re usually making judgments based off our own beliefs and experiences, NOT anything factual.

For example, when our oldest child was in grade school, their teachers had made an assumption about the length of their hair and their ability to learn. Year after year, we went to parent-teacher conferences where the focus was weirdly on the need to cut or child’s hair, how it was distracting them, and keeping them from learning.  We even found that they were removed from class on occasion and put in the hall, as if their having longer hair, would rub off on the other children.

Honestly, it was infuriating because as educated people we knew there was no proof that the length of one’s hair caused one to struggle academically. This was simply an outdated opinion of some conservative Christians that men should not have long hair.  And sadly, in this parochial school, instead of aware teachers helping to address our child’s ADHD, anxiety, or the need for a more conducive workspace to stay focused, the teachers were blinded by their opinions and simply wanted to blame it on our child’s long hair and their unwillingness to conform.  

Looking back now, it frustrates me that those teachers accepted as truth something that has no proof or bearing on our child’s academics. If they could have overcome their biases and opinions and just accepted their hair, and actually been aware of their neurodiversity, our child may have thrived instead of being put down and separated for their personal grooming choices.  

And just replace hair in this situation with tattoos, piercings, colored hair, or a plethora of other things and you quickly see how often this happens in our society and world.

Even though that happened in a religious parochial school, the same too often happens within the church. It makes me sick the stories I have heard from many of you.  While I was growing up, the church told us we needed to give our best to God and that means we need to dress up for church.  No jeans, no shorts, but rather button shirts with ties (even sports coats) for men, dresses and pantyhose for women. You know, just how Jesus walked around Nazareth and Jerusalem with his leather bound KJV Study Bible under his arm.  

I observed as a child people in the pews judging their fellow church attenders as they went up for communion because of the way they were dressed - not knowing those people’s financial situation or the struggles in their families. The irony of a table of welcome that people were being judged for partaking in. Folks, dressing up for church was an opinion and often a judgment, it wasn’t biblical or even doctrinal.   

In my last meeting, I had a man who pulled me aside one Sunday and said, “I want to thank you for not being one of those pastors who wears a suit and a tie. That was one of the biggest reasons I stayed for worship, today.”

I wanted to understand more, so I asked if we could sit for a moment, and I could hear more about this. He then through tears shared the abuse he endured in the church he was raised in by what he labeled the “men in suits” at his church. Their suits became the symbol of power, abuse and conclusions that could not be questioned. He never thought church could be a safe place again until walking into our Quaker Meeting in Oregon.

Folks, our judgements and opinions can create a lapse in empathy and perspective and not just steal our joy, but leave us and our neighbors hurting and struggling to thrive.  

One of the places this has become greatly distorted is in our media and it is not just influencing a younger generation, it is actually affecting all of us on a daily basis.

No matter if it is social media sites, news networks, or the newspapers we read in print or on our iPads, they all like to put certain people on pedestals, while punishing others for being imperfect.

Take for example, a celebrity can do the vilest thing, but if they’re pretty, popular, have a lot of money, or are the right race or gender, they can get a pass.  And people will willingly spin the truth to help others accept their behavior without taking responsibility. 

Yet when someone who’s not in the public eye makes a minor infraction, they often end up plastered all over social media or the talk of the neighborhood gossip group and are shamed and slandered for being an awful human being.  

And let’s really get honest, we’ve gotten accustomed to adding our own opinions to things that have absolutely nothing to do with us. So much so that we often don’t stop to consider the perspective of the person we’re projecting judgment onto. 

I am just as guilty as anyone on this, but the more I study this and experience this, the more I want to part ways with what we call gossip, judgment, assumptions, and opinions, and we should rather name it for what it actually is - ABUSE.

Have we ever considered, the person we spewed our opinions and judgements about, what might their day have been like prior to the incident that made us feel we needed to share?

What is their backstory? Do we care about their backstory?  

What is going on in their life that they made this mistake, this infraction, this poor decision in our eyes? 

Was their intention actually what media alluded to, what I thought, or someone told me, or was the footage or my thoughts exaggerated in order to generate views or keep me looking good? 

The collective response has sadly become to attack and assume negative intent, rather than to pause and try to see both perspectives.  The more we do this, the easier it becomes for us to condemn versus building stronger connections with our neighbors.

Something that has been said a lot lately has been that a “harm against any one of us, is a harm against all of us.”  Some may be quick to say this is political rhetoric, but actually you heard almost those same words in the scriptures for this morning. 

“If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance (or as we have been saying, joy!)”

Ponder with me for a moment.

What if instead of partaking in making assumptions, judging, gossiping, assuming and condemning, we stopped and asked our neighbor how they are doing?  What they need? Why they are struggling? Do they need support or help?

And like I said last week, really listen to what they have to say.  Instead of putting words in other people’s mouths, we must allow their words to be theirs and most importantly to be heard. 

Most of the time when you and I do the opposite of these things we fill in the blanks for others or make assumptions or judgments from our own experiences.

Folks, my experience is much different than your experience and I may have completely different ideas of what is going on because of my life experiences.  And that may not be fair to my neighbor if I assume I understand.

As well, there is nothing worse than overhearing someone tell another person how they think you feel or why you are in the situation you are in.  Like I said last week – not only are you responsible for your own change, but you are also responsible for speaking your own truth. 

Just maybe we have gotten to the point in our society when the threat of knowing our neighbors has escalated to the point of us thinking it is easier to assume we know what others think and believe and not waste the time to get to know them. 

And if that is the case, we are in deep trouble because relationships are key to our survival. We need each other.

With loneliness and isolation on the rise, and the elderly being left and forgotten in nursing homes, with youth feeling they have no one in their life because social media has them guessing, with neighborhoods becoming prisons of HOAs and like-minded people, with gentrification making people of color homeless and displaced, with counselors and therapists with waiting lines up to 4 months, we have a lot of hurting people, folks. 

And so “If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance (or joy!)”

So, who TODAY do we need to reach out to without our assumptions, judgments, or opinions and seek to hear THEIR truth, THEIR backstory, and where are we walking with them so they may flourish and find some needed exuberance and joy?  Let that be our query for today.   

8-25-24 - When Being Right Replaces Our Joy

When Being Right Replaces Our Joy  

Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting

Pastor Bob Henry

August 25, 2024

Good morning, Friends and welcome to Light Reflections.  This morning our scripture passage is from Matthew 5:20 from the New Revised Standard Version.

For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

I am friends on Facebook with a fellow classmate from my undergrad days.  We have taken quite different spiritual paths since college.  One path that was similar was that we both became pastors.  How I remember this classmate was that he was intelligent, most of the time kind, had quite a few friends, and was wanting to honestly grow in his faith. 

After college, we did not keep up with each other.  The next time I ran across him was on Facebook a few years ago.  It was there I saw a much different person than I remember back in college. What surprised me was that he had aged more than expected. Actually, he did not look well, or maybe better, he did not look happy or seem to have any joy. More than anything, he had become obsessed with needing to be right. 

Whether he was defending his faith or justifying why someone shouldn’t be mad at him for his beliefs, he clearly wanted to win any debate that seemed to challenge or threaten his understanding of faith. 

What I realized was that his faith had become all about being right – and it had clearly become his end goal. To control his perspectives, he started a YouTube Channel where he makes amateur videos about his “right” positions.  Sadly, very little joy (other than the occasional sarcastic remark accompanied by a laugh) is conveyed.  I cannot even watch these videos or listen to his banter because it all seems to be about feeding his identity of being right. 

He talks about the need for conversations, but the only conversations he has is one-way.  Sometimes in the comments, he wrestles with making his point and often people comment that he is an inflexible guy who lacks compassion.

But what is maybe the saddest is he seems willing to fracture relationships or simply ignore other’s views to maintain his “rightness.”   

In the world we live in today, I am sure you too have a fellow classmate, friend, relative, spouse, sibling, child, parent, maybe even, YOU have a similar idea of being right at all costs. 

I know I was being taught and indoctrinated for a long time in this mindset within the church and the parochial schools I attended in my formative years.  And there was a time when I thought I had to fight hard to be right for my faith, my politics, my educational understandings. I was of the mindset it was us vs. them in many areas of my life.  

But over time, I would find that winning the short-term battle of being right often led to suffering the unintended consequences of my rightness.    

Folks, please understand being right is not inherently bad (clearly, I believe there are rights and wrongs), but we must acknowledge that being right at all costs can have unintended consequences – and one of those is losing our joy.  It reminds me of the poem Being Right by Phil Soar.

The cost of being right sometimes
can make you look aloof
you make it seem you know it all
without a hint of truth
and though you're not big headed
someone could say that you
are someone who should be aware
of what you say and do

If we aren’t aware of this reality, we might end up as the winner standing on the top alone, lacking joy, with a lot of hurt and resentful friends, colleagues, and family.  

Sadly, most of us over the last several years have faced this in our lives in some way.  You have shared with me how this mentality has hurt relationships, torn apart families, and left us not just polarized but losing the joy of living life together.

Writer Calvin Rosser helped me put some perspective on this. He says,

There is a fine line between being a compassionate truth seeker who wants the best outcome for everyone and being an ego-driven maniac blinded by your own perception of reality.

Let me repeat this:

There is a fine line between being a compassionate truth seeker who wants the best outcome for everyone and being an ego-driven maniac blinded by your own perception of reality.

Just like last week talking about competition, being right is also about our personal awareness and attitude toward our neighbor and especially those who may have different views or beliefs on what they think is right. 

This is where we need to differentiate being right from what the scriptures call righteousness.  This often gets confused.  I believe what scripture says is that God wants us to be righteous, NOT right.

Being righteous means willingly following Jesus’ teachings and example, where he has instructed us to love God and to love one another.

Yes, right knowledge can be helpful to our journey of faith, but a loving and generous heart is much more important – which also better describes being righteous.  

During Jesus' time on Earth, the chief priests, scribes, and Pharisees were all very learned about the Hebrew Bible and God's law, and yet they were unrighteous in their opposition of Jesus.  This is why Jesus says in our scripture for today, “unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

The Pharisees and Scribes did not help anyone but simply sought to raise themselves above the populace by being "right" at all costs. All too often, believing that we must be right at all costs gives us a feeling of self-righteousness that is in serious opposition to true righteousness.

Now folks, we must admit, from very early on being right is how most of us have been raised.  In school, being right is rewarded. As one who is married to a teacher, I know that being right is what makes our teachers like us as we grow up. Being right is what proves that we’re smarter than the person next to us. It gets us the degree, lands us the job, and helps us be successful.

But here’s the problem, it is not just being right, but the desire to be right at all costs which blinds us and steals our joy.  Rosser says,

When we need to be right:

·         We don’t realize that the arguments with our partners/friends/colleagues/neighbors isn’t about facts. It’s about someone feeling hurt. If we respond to that hurt with rational arguments that prove our point, nothing gets solved. Instead, resentment builds.

Also, when we need to be right:

·         We surround ourselves with people who have similar worldviews (I have talked about this before). Instead of confronting the discomfort of people who have different views and who might teach us something, we stay in self-imposed echo chambers of like-minded people. This approach is comfortable, but it is very limiting.

Folks, the drive to be right at all costs is blinding. If we don’t pay attention, it can lead to broken relationships, non-diverse friend groups, even terrible decisions – and all those lead to less joy in our lives and often what we label self-righteousness.

Being right isn’t worth these costs. 

So, what can we do?

Before I give some take aways, I want to clarify that we are probably not going to change other people who think being right at all costs is the most important thing.  The only person we can change is ourselves. That is why Jesus called us to a life of righteousness that sees and is aware. 

So, let me challenge you with a couple things this week. Calvin Rosser helped me with some of these suggestions:

For the next week, pay attention to how the desire to be right manifests in your life. When you see it happening, take a pause. Really think about whether or not being right is the right thing to do.

If someone says something that you don’t believe, or if a family member starts supporting a political position or religious doctrine you disagree with, just take some time to listen and try to understand where they are coming from, first. Don’t try to come up with counterarguments. Don’t try to prove your point.

Just listen.

This will be a subtle, but significant shift. We can have better conversations when we first take time to listen. 

Folks, I am not saying that it means that you tolerate false claims or drop your convictions, but it does mean that you don’t tie your self-worth and ego to being right at all costs.

When we do this, we make room for our neighbors, and we remove ourselves from ugly behavior and joylessness that comes with needing to be right.

And when you make this shift, you might just see a few wonderful things begin to happen.

We’ll be more open to new ideas.

We’ll be more curious about why people believe what they believe.

We’ll be less blind to our many biases.

We’ll develop healthier relationships.

We’ll communicate more effectively.   

And most importantly, we’ll be able to enjoy more of what our neighbors and our world has to offer.

So, as we enter waiting worship this morning, take a moment to ponder the following queries:

1.     How does the desire to be right manifest itself in my life?

2.     With whom do I need to work on my listening skills?

3.     How will I embrace righteousness and not just rightness this week?

8-18-24 - Competing for Joy

Competing for Joy

Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting

Pastor Bob Henry

August 18, 2024

Good morning, Friends, and welcome to Light Reflections. Today, we continue our focus on joy, but how competition often gets in the way.  Our scriptures for this morning are from Philippians 2:3-4 from the New Revised Standard Version.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or empty conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests but to the interests of others.

I must admit, on Monday night when I turned on the T.V. I was a bit disappointed that there was no Olympics to watch.  One of the news channels on Monday morning was showing some nostalgic moments in Olympic history, because I think people were waking up to an Olympic hangover.  As I was watching the moments from past Olympics, I had my own nostalgic moment come to mind. 

What I remembered was hearing the voice of Jim McKay, every Saturday after watching the morning cartoons, introduce ABC’s The Wide World of Sports. Anyone remember this? Sorry Millennials, this was before your time, but you can Google it!  

Until I looked it up this week, I didn’t realize that those words Jim McKay said did not change for 32 years. I can’t even image an intro not changing for that long on T.V., today. We change at least every season, now.  Those words were being said for a decade before I was even born and then used my entire childhood. Some of you probably remember them.

Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sports:

The thrill of victory

And the agony of defeat. 

The human drama of athletic competition.

This is ABC’s Wide World of Sports.

And when hearing those words, what image runs through one’s mind but Yugoslavian skier, Victor Bogotaj devastatingly crashing on the ski jump as Jim McKay says, “and the agony of defeat.”

Did you know that Victor took that fall in 1970 in the World Ski Flying competition and in 1978 when I was watching cartoons, he was still falling every Saturday for almost a decade.  Later they would rename it “the agony of repeat!”

Today, that intro might include clips of the Australian Break-dancer or the French Pole Vaulter who both went viral for “failing.”

Some historians say the Wild World of Sports alone was one of the things that heightened and changed the competitive sports culture in our world.  Those four lines said by Jim McKay were like a prophetic verse spoken into the soul of America and became a mantra for our daily living.  Today, the drama of athletic competition has grown to an insane level. 

We all remember Tanya Harding or Lance Armstrong, who allowed the competition to take them to an ugly place to win at all costs.  But sadly, this competition has become all-encompassing and even what influences or guides our daily actions. In Indiana competitive sports dictate everything from when children attend school, so they are optimal size in high school for sports. To the schedules of our school day and bus systems to make sure sports teams have plenty of time for practice. The biggest paychecks in Indiana go to college football and basketball coaches instead of teachers.

A couple weeks ago, Janis Crawford reposted something on Facebook that caught my attention.  It was a post from the College Basketball Report that showed out of the 35 largest high school gymnasiums in our country – 27 of them were in Indiana.  Most of us in this room live within miles of several of them.

In my own town, currently, we are building two major sporting entertainment complexes and bringing more competitive sports to our area.  As well, we are seeing competitive gambling on a rise, private sports leagues for children to be groomed into top athletes at a price, and I could go on…

But that competition that sports has brought into our culture, has begun to be translated into other areas. Now, children and adults are competing for likes on Facebook, TikTok, and other social media platforms. We are competing over best experiences, best restaurants, best dance routines, best politics, best crowd participation, best baking, you name it, if we can do it, we can now make it a competition. 

I might go as far as to say, competition (of all types) has become our new religion, and it has a lot of followers.

And sadly, it is when competition gets to this level of obsession that we see it begin to steal our joy.  Competition can have us not only becoming myopic, but also willing to do whatever it takes to win. And when this happens, we become more selfish and less caring for those around us. We also start to utilize “us vs them” categorization in describing just about anything, but especially our faith and beliefs.

At its extreme, it is what keeps us at war globally, as well as personally, and ultimately leaves us and our neighbors hurting or dying. It is a lead cause is why cheating and lying rates are rising in schools, colleges, and relationships. And it continues to create a constant urgency in our lives that we will not be able to keep up with. It is us vs. them, my beliefs vs yours, my politics vs yours…our country vs. yours…I think you get what I am saying.

As I was doing research this week, I came across someone who said,

Ask any normal person to sketch their dream getaway from normal, everyday life, and they will paint an ideal life that is stress-free and non-competitive.

I can relate to this, since I was just on a sabbatical where I got away from normal, everyday life – and no it was not stress-free (especially since we had an accident), but it was intentionally non-competitive which almost seemed more freeing than anything else. It is amazing how competitive we are and do not even realize its impact on us – yes, even in the church.    

Most psychiatrists believe that humans are innately competitive, but that competitiveness at times can be utilized for good or bad.   

Whether in school, at work, or in life, we have always been told that to win is to stand at the very top – to be the right, and the best. Please understand, I believe competition is inevitable. But does competing to only be the best or right ultimately bring us real joy?

Dr. Reza Abraham in an article titled, “Competition and Happiness” wrote the following, which I believe helps define and clarify how competition affects us;

A lot of time, how a person takes competition depends on the biological and social changes they have experienced growing up. It is this very desire to stand out from the crowd that propels us to go above and beyond what we are capable of. However, one has to keep their intention for competition in check. It is easy to feel unfulfilled and lacking when competition is heading in the wrong direction…

…You know the competition is heading towards a toxic path when you demand perfection, with no tolerance for anything that seconds it. You start feeling down, and you might even blame yourself for not being able to achieve what you wanted to. Instead of acknowledging the fact that you have grown a little stronger, or gotten a little faster than YOU in the past, your focus is solely on how much better your competitor is performing.  

The unhealthy competition also results in lowered self-esteem. Competition can be helpful in character-building, especially when one is able to perform well despite being put under pressure. However, when expectations and standards are not met, and there is no recognition received, it could lead to a sense of anxiety and insecurity about oneself. That is when one could either give up on pursuing what they had wanted for themselves or develop a false sense of what "perfection" should be.

On the other hand, good competition will push the parties involved to evolve and get better. A competitive environment is perfect for developing one’s skill set because it pushes them to constantly perform their best, which is commonly known as the Growth Mindset. Someone who is a sporting competitor is someone who wishes to succeed but will also celebrate the victory of his opponent.

Let me stop on that last line.  Is that what we are teaching our children and ourselves for that matter? Is that what we have seen in our politics?  Is that how it is in your business place, family, even religious community?   A balance of wishing to succeed but also celebrating with our opponent.

I loved that moment in the Olympics when Simone Biles and Jordan Chiles bowed down to Rebeca Andrade of Brazil. Even though Simone was expected to win the gold and Jordan was not even expected to even medal, it was a moment of both sportsmanship and competition at its best – and that moment went viral. Yet those moments are rare and a surprise when they happen.

Today, when our sports team loses a big event, we want to call in to work sick the next day. There are statistics that show that this is the case. When we don’t get enough likes on social media, we get depressed and think no one likes us. This is one of the leading causes of depression and anxiety in our youth.  

I had a friend in Oregon stop by my office one afternoon to talk to me.  He said he was embarrassed but needed some accountability.  He explained, “I have become addicted to competing on Facebook for likes.”  It kind of shocked me at first, but as I listened, he told me how bad it had become. 

At a long stop light, he decided to post something on Facebook that had come to him while driving which he thought was profound.  As he was driving to the next town, there were very few stops or lights. The winding road made it to so there could be no safe stops on the side of the road. He became so concerned about what people might say and how many would like his post that he ended up pulling off the road to check his Facebook.  He said, “I put my life in danger to see if I had received a “like,” what is wrong with me. I need help.” 

Now, imagine that what my friend experienced was everyday life. Because, that is how it is for most youth on social media, today.  It is an unhealthy competition that has created the lowest self-esteem and the highest rates of anxiety and insecurity.  And it is not just out children, we have adults obsessed with getting “likes” as well.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is such a thing as healthy competition. Dr. Abraham says,

Healthy competition encourages collaboration and cooperation. In an age where the use of social media is growing exponentially, human beings spend a considerable amount of time on their own instead of with others. Competition provides feedback that we can evaluate in terms of behavioral, psychological, social, and economic outcomes, and can provide a rich learning environment for people to express and develop physical skills and personal attributes.

This may be one of the reasons why pickleball has become so popular among those in their later life. Not only do they benefit from the exercise, but also from the relationships they build.  When it is not all about winning, the friendly competition can develop important life-giving aspects.  A friend of mine who plays pickleball told me recently, “It has opened me up to seeing people differently and playing a sport not just to win.”

Thinking about all of this, and trying to put it into perspective, I turn to James Bradley a Quaker youth and high school freshmen who reflected on his competitive nature in Friends Journal. I believe he says it so well,

A lot of Quakers would argue that the necessity of having a winner, and thus a loser, is in direct conflict with the testimony of equality. They may think that having a winner means that the loser is not equal and that having no winner at all would solve this problem. I believe that this is simply not what the testimony of equality means in a competition. I believe that as a Quaker it is my responsibility to represent my beliefs in my actions during games or debates, not in the results alone. As an athlete I feel obligated to treat my opponents with respect and to carry myself with integrity before, during, and after games. I cannot control the inevitability of a winner, but I can control my own actions and choices; those are my responsibilities not only as an athlete, but as a member of the Religious Society of Friends.

James nails it on the head. As Quakers it is OUR responsibility to be aware of how competition affects us and how it can consume our lives and steal our joy. We can still compete and enjoy competitions, but there is a limit that we must know.

Even Jesus said, the first shall be last, and the last shall be first. And in some respects, that a pretty clear statement – if you are at the front, don’t assume you always will be, and if you are at the bottom, don’t assume you always will be.

We need to be aware when we have become obsessed by competition or pushing that unhealthy competition on our children or friends.  It must become about more than the results, about treating our opponents with respect while working to carry ourselves with integrity throughout.

It is as Brian McLaren says,

“Not us vs. them, not us apart from them, not us over them, but us and them called by the Spirit of justice, joy, and peace into a bigger, better, kinder, more robust us.” 

Folks, competition is a huge subject, and I have just skimmed the surface, but this is where we need to take some time and consider where our personal desires for competition is getting in the way of our joy.  Let’s do that this week, by considering some important queries:

1.    In what ways do I allow unhealthy competition to steal my joy? What actions or choices could I make to change this?

2.    Who do I know who is struggling with competition that I may need to reach out to?

3.    How am I being influenced by the competitive culture in my world?

8-11-24 - Holy Play

Holy Play

Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting

Pastor Bob Henry

August 11, 2024

Good morning, Friends, and welcome to Light Reflections.  Today, at the Meetinghouse we are having Sunday Funday!  Every year, I like to start my message on Funday Sunday by giving a little history of this special worship time. Funday Sunday came about when our youth affirmation class brought a request to our Monthly Business Meeting almost 6 years ago, now.

Their request was for a time to worship through play. That means bouncy houses, slip n’ slides, all types of board and outdoor games, and lots of yummy food! If you have experienced one of our earlier events, it is a lot of fun.

And this is not the only Meeting in which I have celebrated Sunday Funday. In Oregon our Meeting also celebrated Sunday Funday in this same manner. I think it may have been our two youngest boys who shared this with the other youth here to bring it to First Friends. However it happened, I am so glad it did. 

This morning, instead of a longer message, I just want to devotionally have us consider what it means to experience worship through play.  A topic that seems to fit well within what we have been talking about regarding joy. 

Our guiding scripture text is a familiar one from Galatians 5:22-23:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

To begin this message, I want to share with you something that I have read before on Sunday Funday to help people understand the importance of play in our lives and worship.

It comes from White Plains United Methodist Church.  It is titled, “The Spiritual Discipline of Holy Play.” 

When you think of spiritual disciplines what pops into your mind?

Tithing? Fasting? Solitude, Prayer, Study?

Ever think of play or playing being a spiritual discipline?

It’s not the first one that comes to mind, if ever. But according to Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat (who I highly recommend their book, Spiritual Literacy: Reading the Sacred in Everyday Life),

“Play is the exuberant expression of our being. It is at the heart of our creativity… It helps us live with absurdity, paradox, and mystery. It feeds our joy and wonder.”

“Exuberant expression of our being”, huh?

What does exuberant mean?

According to Merriman-Webster, exuberant means “joyously unrestrained and enthusiastic”.

When’s the last time you were joyously unrestrained?  (Be honest – that may be hard for some of us staunch or stalwart Quakers.)

And play “feeds our joy and wonder.”

How do you feed joy and wonder? (that is a good query to consider this morning and ongoing).

Have you ever watched a toddler discover something new to them - A butterfly. A lightning bug. A shiny stone. That’s how one feeds joy and wonder. It’s through curiosity.  We adults do the same, but for us it may be a book, a musical instrument, a new pair of shoes, a flower in a garden, the engine in a classic car…I think you get my drift.

Oh, and joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. Paul lists it right there in Galatians 5:22-23 (our text for today) –right there between love and peace.

And how do we get more joy?

BY PLAYING!

And not just playing alone, but as I spoke of last week by playing with one another.

We need to be honest; Christians have had an unbalanced relationship with play throughout the centuries. The concept of a Protestant work ethic has been a boon to the economy, but it often has come at the expense of leisure time and play.  We do not know how to rest well or play well. We talk about it a lot with our kids, but we adults are just as bad.  We get too serious and hunkered down in our work and careers and neglect finding time for play. 

Throughout history, the church has expressed skepticism about the benefits of entertainment, including movies, music, and games. There was a time when the church boycotted movies, broke vinyl records, and burned books to keep one pure – oh wait…some still do. But entertainment–movies, music, games–can also lead to joy, play, and even laughing – and I believe they can move us deeply, giving us a spiritual experience.  

As I mentioned in As Way Opens this week, I have found a lot of joy in watching the Paris Olympics (anyone else?). The importance of family and community in the lives of the athletes is so evident.  The joy on the faces of the athletes, their families, and supporting communities has been contagious.

I love what St. Francis said,

“It is not fitting, when one is in God’s service, to have a gloomy face or a chilling look.”

Sounds like St. Francis thinks we’re to go around with some smiles and some laughs and some joy. And we smile and laugh and get filled with joy when we play, have fun, and yes, even worship, together.

Play can be holy when it brings us together in community, when it lightens the burdens of our spirits and when it helps us to produce joy.  One of the things I love at First Friends is how many smiles I see each Sunday as people simply interact with each other.

The struggle is that we often take ourselves and even the Divine too seriously, forgetting to smile, laugh, even enjoy our relationships.

Also, we must remember that…

…we can experience joy even in the mundane. We can find joy in thousands of different ways…We just have to look for the joy and then actually engage it.

Victor Shamas (author of The Way of Play: Reclaiming Divine Fun and Celebration) writes,

“Play is a sacred act. When we are playing, the essence of all creation flows freely through us. We are expressing our true nature and connecting with the very core of our existence. There is nothing more spiritual than that.”

This is why our youth saw Funday Sunday as a time to worship through play – it is sacred. 

We, also, must admit our Creator God has a sense of humor. Just look at the world around us. Giraffes and duckbill platypuses and hammerhead sharks and all those weird fungi growing in the woods, and then there are people – you and me.

My goodness, people are funny. Some of you right here are really funny and I so appreciate that. I know I need people around me that both want to laugh and make me laugh. 

It is one of the things I love deeply about my wife, Sue, she makes me laugh at the depths of my being.  When we were traveling for Sue’s creativity fellowship this Summer, we laughed so hard at times I had tears rolling down my cheeks.

And folks, that was probably because we saw our time away as a time to play together. We dedicated an entire month to unplug and play and it brought us real joy!  We didn’t have to look that far for the joy, it was available in everything we did – from driving, to hiking, to eating, to singing out loud, to watching a sunset, to spending time with old friends. Joy and play were readily available if we were willing to see and engage them.     

If we try to incorporate holy play into our everyday lives, we may find a sense of wonder and joy even in the ordinary, along with a reminder to laugh at ourselves, to not take ourselves too seriously.  We may even be energized to deal with challenges and difficult conversations that would have overwhelmed us otherwise.

Particularly in these times where there is a lot of anger, frustration, fear, and divisiveness all around us, we need to look for the joy, we need to, as we do with our kids, tell ourselves to turn off the T.V. and social media and go outside and play with a friend.  Go to a movie, go to a concert, play some pickleball, share jokes with a friend, play a board game with friends, go to a sing-a-long, go on a road trip to a new place, get out of your house and play! 

So, that is how I will close this devotional thought this morning.  Take a moment to review that query:

How do you feed joy and wonder?

Then, turn off the t.v. and social media and go outside and play with a friend. I have a feeling it will be good for your soul! 

8-4-24 - The Communal Joy that Heals Our Soul

The Communal Joy that Heals Our Soul

Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting

Pastor Bob Henry

August 4, 2024

Good morning Friends and welcome to Light Reflections.  Today, we are coming from my backyard due to the parking lot resurfacing at the Meetinghouse this week.  This week the scripture I have chosen is from Philemon 1:7 from the Contemporary English Version and summarizes well what I am going to talk about this morning.

My friend, your love has made me happy and has greatly encouraged me. It has also cheered the hearts of God's people.

So, the last couple of weeks as I have talked about joy, I have focused on first the things that steal our joy, and last week the positive effects of joy on our lives. Please understand, this is a huge topic and has many facets, so each week we explore another layer. One thing I have not talked about is what to do with suffering, struggle, sadness, depression or simply difficult times.   

I wish there was a simple formula or steps for one to follow, but that is almost never the case. The reality is that everyone has found themselves lost in hard times and struggling on various levels to restore their joy.   

I am sure if you took a moment to consider the times when you were struggling to find joy, you could easily recall the feelings, and even tell me what it took to return your joy.  But there are some of us in this room this morning, who are struggling right now, maybe lost in trying to find that joy, and wanting some help or guidance.  I am not planning to give specific answers, but more of a communal response.

As I was preparing for this message, I took some time to read not only the experiences of others, but also to sit with my own understanding and struggle to find joy at times in my life.   

At different times, I personally have struggled to find joy. Sometimes the struggle has been because of my environment, sometimes other people, and sometimes my own mind.  We all must admit, life, people, families, careers, politics, social media, and so much more, can not only steal our joy, but can leave us empty, drained, and not knowing, on our own, how to find joy once again. 

Before we get too far into this, please note, I am a pastor, not a psychiatrist, and some of our depression and struggles need professional therapy and at times even medication. And that is alright. If you are struggling in a manner that is beyond what I am talking about today, please take the time to seek some help or ask Beth or I for a referral. We have a list of counselors/therapists we can recommend. 

This week, I would like to start briefly with Jesus.  As I have mentioned the last couple of weeks, scripture is clear that Jesus came that we might have joy and that following his teachings we might experience a fuller joy in this life. 

Yet many in our world today, have somehow identified Jesus and his teachings with the religious systems and organizations that have formed around the various interpretations of his teachings. And through various lenses those teaching have morphed and been turned into oppressive rules, doctrines, or statements of faith in which people are not just to follow but literally defend with their lives.

This in turn has transformed the joy of Jesus’ words and life into trying to live up to and perform endless duties that keep one out of a place called hell. When in reality, it has created somewhat of a hell, instead.

All this to say, Jesus has often been highjacked by the various different religious views we have today.  And let’s be honest, some of those who call themselves Christian are far from the teachings of the Jesus they say they follow.  It is almost as if they no longer know what he said or lived.  And this could be a catalyst for some of the suffering we see in our world. John Pavlovitz described it this way,

You see, over the past few decades, these people have become experts at slapping a shiny veneer of religion onto the most abominable of ideas and the most sociopathic of behaviors.
They know they can weaponize the rather generic idea of “God”, manufacturing a deity in their own bloodthirsty, morally-inverted, predatory image: a vengeful, joyless, avatar.
They can wield a few random, poorly-exegeted obscure scripture passages like a hammer in order to justify their every phobia and hangup, making frequent mention of a Bible they’ve torn a majority of the later pages from.
They can brazenly conflate Christianity and America and give life to the grotesque, Frankensteined violent nationalism they daily traffic in as if it were sacred, and they will find a small army of devoted disciples willing to suspend disbelief so they can ratify their hatred.

Folks, that right there produces an enormous amount of suffering and struggle and it is NOT the Christianity that Christ, the Bible, and especially Quakers proclaim.

As my faith has matured and spiritually formed over the years, I have come to find the Quaker-Christianity I profess to not be based on fear, or rules, or the avoidance of (or for that matter the belief) in hell, or any of those descriptors that John Pavlovitz describes, but more about learning how to enjoy the world and the people we live with, right now – the Spirit of the Present Moment as I spoke about last week.  Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community, Equality, Sustainability (our S.P.I.C.E.S.) are much different and produce much more joy than these other views.

As I hear more and more of your spiritual journeys and what brought many of  you among us at First Friends, I am both concerned for the greater church and also concerned for First Friends - that we will continue to grow into more of what Christ had in mind. Instead of what much of the church, especially in America has embraced and sadly morphed into.

Now, I would be remiss if I thought Quakerism or Christ’s message was solely about enjoying life. That might be a daily challenge, but our faith should not ignore the real problems that you and I face in this world. Even Jesus often emphasized joy amid great suffering. Jesus as he goes to the cross to be executed by people who had turned their religion into rules and could not see the joy in front of them, tells his disciples, “There’s joy, right here, right now” amid very challenging times. And I think I am starting to understand how he could see that. 

You see, Jesus modeled a unique attitude of joy – a joy that could be cultivated and developed no matter the circumstances of life. And what may surprise you is that it took more than Jesus alone to foster it.

The query for us this morning is how can we cultivate that joy in our lives? Amid our difficulties, amid our pain, amid our confusion, amid you and I simply having a bad day?

To help us begin to process this query, I want to start with a man, that some of us probably already know, Howard Thurman.  His association with Quakers began when he read Rufus Jones’s book Finding the Trail of Life back in 1927. After reading it, he sought out Jones to learn from and study with. Howard Thurman was also known as a mystic, non-violent activist, and had a kind of well-known student named, Martin Luther King Jr.    

What you may not know is that Thurman was both a student of Christianity and Buddhism and believed that suffering is a natural part of life, yet that it does not have to define our lives. He would state that we can find joy amid our pain and suffering, but it will take more than ourselves.

Thurman was a big advocate for community, what his student, Dr. King, would later label, The Beloved Community. Thurman claimed that what would make suffering intolerable was if we suffered alone. Yet, none of us if we really examined ourselves would find that we suffer in isolation.

Howard believed that not only Jesus suffers with us, but he suffers with us through our community. This makes sense as Quakers.  When we say there is that of God in our neighbor, God/Jesus/the Divine is suffering with us through our neighbors or community.  This is why Thurman was always pointing out the need for us to have community in our lives.  He believed it to be the way of Jesus and the way of healing for our pain and struggles in this world.  This became so central in Dr. King’s work that he described this community this way:

The Beloved Community is a realistic vision of an achievable society, one in which problems and conflict exist, but are resolved peacefully and without bitterness.  In the Beloved Community, caring and compassion drive political policies that support the worldwide elimination of poverty and hunger and all forms of bigotry and violence. The Beloved Community is a state of heart and mind a spirit of hope and goodwill that transcends all boundaries and barriers and embraces all creation. At its core, the Beloved Community is an engine of reconciliation. This way of living seems a long way from the kind of world we have now, but I do believe it is a goal that can be accomplished through courage and determination, and through education and training, if enough people are willing to make the necessary commitment.

If you read Scripture carefully, I think you will find these same sentiments in Jesus’ teachings. And please understand, Jesus was not trying to create a building or organization called the church, rather he was focused on the people, creating a Beloved Community where questions could be asked, where reconciliation could heal, where people could be taken care of, where no one would go hungry or need anything, where there would be no economic or societal inequalities, where compassion would be the standard.  

That is far from the community that has evolved that we call the church, today. If anything, much of the church of today is in its very nature a huge failure to Jesus’, Thurman’s, and King’s vision.

And sadly, many Quakers have bought into this mindset and followed the same path. At times, we at First Friends dabble in this as well, but more than not, I see us at First Friends, as a community that wants to change this and embrace more of what Jesus, Thurman, and King were getting at.    

Jesus clearly wanted there to be less suffering, pain, and struggle in the world and he believed that would come about through community – or what was originally labeled in scripture, “The Way.”  Scripture says, this “Way” was a means of salvation – again that word too was highjacked to mean being worthy of an afterlife.

But salvation in Greek means deliverance, welfare, prosperity, preservation, and safety.  At one point in scripture salvation is even equated to giving someone a cold cup of water - relieving their suffering.  We have gotten way off track, and I sense that may be why we are missing our calling to see those in our midst who are suffering and struggling.      

Again, let’s pause here for a moment. Mental Health professionals and statistics are trying to get our attention that the United States is suffering from an epidemic called loneliness.  Just listen to this:

·        Loneliness is one of the fastest growing causes of death in our country.

·        It is now being compared to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.  (That blows my mind).

·        Young people ages 15-24 are at the greatest risk, currently, with a huge 70% less interaction with their friends.

·        Men over the age of 55 are reporting a lack of friends and isolation, a growing concern for men’s health.  

·        Depression has risen to 41% among perimenopausal and postmenopausal women. That is the highest ever.  

·        Isolation as a factor was on the rise before Covid and has almost quadrupled since.

What this says to me is that now more than even we need life-giving, joy producing communities, and we need to embrace our gifts and rolls in those communities.  I believe we at First Friends are working hard to do this.  But every once and a while, we need a reminder to open our eyes, to look around us (inside and outside of our meeting).  And we need to ask ourselves: 

·        Who are the suffering and struggling around me? 

·        What might be my role in bringing a newfound joy to their lives?

Joy amid suffering can be cultivated when we look up and see that there are compassionate people supporting and concerned about us. That we are not alone.

When we suffer alone, we suffer more.  And that means we cannot see new opportunities, we cannot experience care, we cannot move beyond our suffering and pain and find joy again. We need each other.  We need communities that compassionately engage one another and help us make our joy complete.  

This morning, I want you to take a moment and think of one person in one of your communities who you know is suffering, struggling, depressed, having a bad day?  Got that person in mind?  Now, I want you to think of one way you could bring them joy, today? 

I have been intentionally doing this since I returned home from sabbatical.  Because I realize how it makes me feel when others recognize me when I am suffering or struggling, or simply having a bad day. It means the world, it brings me hope, I feel a sense of deep love, and know that I am in a Beloved Community that wants me to experience joy.  Also, I have found that when I do this for others while I am struggling, it brings me joy as well. 

As, we enter waiting worship this morning, allow these queries to speak to your condition and embrace your roll in the Beloved Community!

·        Who are the suffering and struggling around me? 

·        What might be my role in bringing a newfound joy to their lives?

7-28-24 - Happiness or Sustaining Joy

Happiness or Sustaining Joy

Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting

Pastor Bob Henry

July 28, 2024

Good morning Friends, and welcome to Light Reflections.  This morning, we are continuing to look at joy.  The scripture I have chosen for today is from Psalm 16:9-11 from the New Revised Standard Version.

Therefore, my heart is glad, and my soul rejoices;
    my body also rests secure.
For you do not give me up to Sheol
    or let your faithful one see the Pit.

You show me the path of life.
    In your presence there is fullness of joy;
    in your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Last week, as I was standing in the greeting line after Meeting for Worship, Jim Kartholl approached me and said he missed the first part of my message and was wondering if I had talked about the difference between happiness and joy.  I told him I hadn’t, but that we were probably headed in that direction in the coming Sundays. 

Over the years, many have talked about the differences and even some have made entire theologies around the differences that they see specifically in the Bible.  But in my research, most of the time happiness and joyfulness, and you can even throw in blessedness (or Eugene Peterson even at times uses “lucky”), all can be interchangeable in the Bible.

As I was doing my research for this message, I came across author, designer, and researcher, Ingrid Fetell Lee and her website, Aesthetics of Joy. Her take on happiness and joy really caught my attention because even though she is coming from a more secular source, she speaks deeply to what we are taking about this morning. Here is her view of joy and happiness.

“Joy is different than happiness. Happiness is something that measures how good we feel over time. But joy is about feeling good right now, in the moment.”

This is very similar to many of the theologians I trust, and it speaks to what I have experienced in my life.

Ingrid goes on to say,

“This simple distinction has big implications. Our culture is obsessed with the pursuit of happiness, but in the process, we kind of overlook joy. We pursue the things we think will make us happy, but in the process, we often find ourselves too busy or exhausted to experience or appreciate joy. Yet joy is a lot more immediate and accessible than happiness. And ironically, it may actually be one of the most powerful routes to happiness. So rather than chasing after happiness, maybe what we should be doing is focusing on joy instead…”

That summarizes it so well.  And when we add scientists and psychologists to the mix things do not change that much. This view of happiness and joy then becomes about a state of being influenced by a range of different factors, measured over a period of time.

This morning, I want to help you see this for yourself. To do that, let’s do a little experiment. And just like good scientists, we quakers like to experiment by first asking some queries that Ingrid had me asking myself.

For example, if I ask you, Are you happy? - how do you respond?  Take a moment to think about that.  Are you happy?

Ingrid says, “You might start thinking about how fulfilled you are in your career, your health, the state of your relationships with family and friends, your significant other or maybe your desire to find one. And let’s be honest, sometimes it’s even a bit difficult to tell if you’re happy. Maybe you’ve experienced this. Most of your life is firing on all cylinders, but you’re dealing with a difficult situation at work [or in your family] and so while you feel like you should be happy, you’re not sure you are.”

This then could go back to last week’s message when I talked about the things that steal our happiness and joy. Are we aware of what those are?  

We must admit that happiness is complex, and sometimes, the more we think about it, the less certain we become.

Now, if I ask you this query, Do you feel joyful? – how might you respond?  Again, take a moment to consider this. Do you feel joyful?

I sense it is a much simpler query. Because joy is an emotion measured in the moment, it’s not something we have to think about.

Ingrid says, “We know what joy feels like, and we can usually say with pretty good accuracy whether or not we’re feeling it in a given moment.

If you read my As Way Opens this week, I named specific ways I saw joy in the places we traveled. It is easy to see if we just look and reflect.

Actually, in my mind right now, I have a list of things that bring me joy – some might surprise you. And I might be surprised by what brings you joy.    

But then, if I were to ask you, What would make you happy? Now, that might open up a can of worms and send you in a much different direction. What would make you happy?  

Ingrid says, “The answer might be anything from earning a promotion to getting a degree to getting married to moving closer to (or further away from!) your family” and let’s add having your political candidate win the election.  

The problem is that many of these things aren’t in our control.

But if I asked you, What would bring you joy?  I’ll bet you could name at least a handful of things that might do the trick.

·        A walk on the beach at sunset.

·        Playing with a puppy.

·        Lunch or a phone call with a good friend.

·        A bouquet of flowers.

·        An inspiring piece of art.

·        A visit to a vibrant café in a different part of town.

·        Listening to an upbeat song (and dancing for a few minutes).

·        Eating a favorite food.

·        Getting your hair done or cut (there is just something about that which makes you feel good – well that is if you have hair).

Because folks, true joy lives in moments, making it a lot simpler and easier to find than happiness.

Let’s take a pause here - joy is nice, but if you are listening carefully, you probably heard me say that it only lasts a moment. You are probably asking, “What do mean, Bob? That’s not what we want. I don’t know about you, but I want lasting joy, complete joy, actually joy all the time would be nice, right?”

Well, let’s be honest, you might feel good while listening to music.  I know many of you not only enjoy Eric’s music during worship, but also go and listen to him at a local eatery or at Feinstein’s in Carmel.  Whenever I do that, I walk away on a high – take for example the Billy Joel concert he gave, it had me filled with joy for weeks. But slowly overtime, it wore off. The difficulties of life reared their ugly heads once again.  And I had to ask, does that moment of joy really do anything for my overall happiness?

What’s the value of a walk on the beach at sunset, if all your problems will be waiting right there for you when you get back?

Why go look at amazing art in a museum, if after leaving it you return to your lackluster life?

This is maybe where we can clarify that Joy isn’t happiness, and it isn’t a solution for everything that bothers us in life.  This morning in in-person worship, I asked Eric to sing a song by David Wilcox called “The Beautiful,” if you go listen to it, you will see explains this so poetically. In the chorus it says, it is the beautiful that saves us. Or as David Wilcox said about the song, it sustains us. It is the joy that music, nature, art, you fill in the blank, brings that sustains even saves our soul.

Even Ingrid points out that, “What’s interesting is that research has found that these little moments of joy often have a halo effect, where their impact reaches beyond the moment of joy itself. In several important ways, those little moments of joy add up to more than the sum of their parts. And over time, their cumulative effects can lead to greater happiness.”  

What she is describing is that sustaining and saving joy. 

And this is when it all starts to come together for me.  Joy has some important effects on each of us that we need to recognize and understand. I believe they explain how our moments of joy sustain us and help us grow into a life of happiness. I want to focus on just 5 of them this morning.  

1. Joy brings us into the present

I used to tell a group of young men that I mentored that we spend too much time worrying about the future and dwelling on out past, all while missing the joy of the present moment.  This is exactly what this is all about.

Ingrid says, “Thinking about happiness often takes us out of the moment. We think about past experiences, how much progress we’re making toward our goals, and our likelihood of future happiness. Joy, on the other hand, absorbs us in the present moment. It engages our senses, letting us tune out our worries about what might be wrong with our lives for a little while.”

Quakers have always spoke of Jesus our Present Teacher.  The Spirit of the present moment. Many think the “Joy of the Lord” is yet to come, or maybe already came and we missed it.  But even Jesus says it is in the present moment, it is now.  

2. Joy broadens our minds

Research shows that experiences of positive emotions like joy lead us to take a broader, more open-minded view of the world.  Pause on this one for a moment.  Christianity, even religion in general, has been seen and labeled as narrow minded, even at times, closed minded.  And when describing these people, it is said they have no joy.  

Just think about the people you know who are the most rigid, the ones who seem mad about everything, the curmudgeons who are always complaining, being negative, and pulling us down.  They probably lack joy in their lives.  And if they lack joy they probably also haven’t broadened their minds.  And this leads us directly into the next one.

3. Joy attracts others

Ingrid says, “One of the most significant — if not the most significant factor influencing happiness — is the quality of our relationships.”  I said this last week, joy is contagious. Jesus knew it. John knew it. Even Paul knew it.  Joy spreads and fills us up, and perhaps because we unconsciously know this, we are attracted to people who express positivity.

They’ll know we are Christians by our Love – or maybe it should have been, “They’ll know we are Christians by our joy.”  Or as the poem I shared in As Way Opens this week by Mary Oliver stated, “It could be anything, but very likely you notice it is the instant when love begins.” Think about that, joy is the instance when love begins. 

Thus, before they know we are Christians by our love they must see our joy!  

Well, if joy is this important to our relationships and how we understand things, then…

4. Joy improves our health

Ingrid points out, “For example, people reporting regular positivity have been shown to have lower cortisol, inflammation, and blood pressure. Over time, some researchers believe that these effects may help reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease, and even help us live longer.”

But joy also improves our mental health. It brings clarity of mind, it builds confidence, it even helps with depression.  I heard of a study once that had a group of people who were put in a room and told really funny jokes for an hour.  At points during the experiment people were shedding tears they were laughing so hard.  It also showed how laughter is contagious. After the hour they went back to work, and every one of the people in the experiment had much more productive days.  They even said their attitude changed.  And that they wished every morning could start that way.  Hmm… And that leads us to the fifth and last one. 

5. Joy begets more joy

Ingrid says, “Research shows that when we feel a little burst of joy (such as that we might feel if someone gave us a small gift of candy), we are more attentive to positive stimuli in our surroundings. We literally see more joy in the world around us when we’re in a positive mood. It’s almost as if the feeling of joy creates a kind of rose-colored filter for the world, prompting us to widen our peripheral vision so that we can find more bursts of joy to keep the feeling going.”

This is why the Bible is full of people reminding us to be joyful, to seek joy to make us complete, to engage with others in joyful activities.  Joy is what produces the happiness within our souls for the long haul of life. 

So, if joy makes us more exploratory, healthier, and more pleasing to others, this in turn might lead us to discover new opportunities and have more favorable, and even spontaneous, interactions that have the possibility to change our world. Just maybe, the world will seem friendlier, more benevolent, more abundant, and less full of obstacles.  Or as our scripture said this morning, “a fullness of joy and pleasures evermore.”

As we enter waiting worship this morning, I want us to return to those queries I started with and allow ourselves to ponder them deeply,

·        Am I happy?

·        Do I feel joyful?

·        What would make me happy?

·        What would bring me joy?

7-21-24 - To Increase What There is To Be Joyful About

To Increase What There is To Be Joyful About

Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting

Pastor Bob Henry

July 21, 2024

Romans 15:13

I pray that God, the source of all hope, will infuse your lives with an abundance of joy and peace in the midst of your faith so that your hope will overflow through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Good morning, Friends.  It has been over two months since I have been before you to give a message. I want to thank all those who filled the gaps during the first part of my sabbatical. Thank you to Beth, Eric, Katrina, our guest speakers, and every single person at First Friends who embraced their calling to be a Friend and minister.  Thank you!

I wish I could say it is good to be back with you, but I would be lying. The last two months have been such a needed renewal and restoration of my soul after 29 challenging years of ministry that it is hard to transition back. I would love to get back in the car tomorrow and drive another 7000 miles and see more of this great nation and its people.

During this time, I have learned some things about myself and have begun to make some personal changes. As well, I am still processing all that I experienced while away, so I may not be quick to explain how this experience has affected me – I am pretty sure I will continue to find out more on the journey ahead.  

One thing that was evident and at times even startling during my time away was when I experienced moments of newfound joy in my life. Please understand, I am not saying that I had no joy before taking my sabbatical, but allowing myself to let down the walls of stress, responsibility, and constant concern for others, opened a window that let in a fresh breeze of new joy in my life.

On occasion it was the fresh breeze of laughing so hard that I had tears in my eyes.  At other times, it was being overwhelmed by the landscapes, cultures, and beauty we were experiencing.  And then there was the fresh breezes that blew as Sue, and I talked over wonderful meals, walks, and sunsets that rekindled the joy of our 29 years of marriage which we took time to celebrate in San Francisco on our anniversary. 

After returning and having a couple of days in the office, beginning to make some visits, and checking the 300+ emails that I had forwarded and literally avoided checking while away, I headed to Yearly Meeting Sessions. 

The theme of this year’s Yearly Meeting was Embracing God’s Abundance.  A theme that clearly challenged people, including our Superintendent Shawn McConaughey.  As many of you know, while we were gone Shawn lost his father suddenly to the consequences of a bad stroke. Shawn shared in his opening address the challenges of embracing God’s abundance during this difficult time. Taking a deeper look at the theme scripture from John 10:10, Shawn said that at Yearly Meeting Sessions we were focusing more on the second half of the text which reads,

“I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.”

But then he pointed out the first part of the verse which reads,

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.”

He proceeded to ask us all who we thought the “thief” to be and actually, took answers from those gathered. There were a lot of answers, until someone finally said, “fear” and he agreed.  This really spoke to my condition, especially as I was considering joy. 

Fear is and has been the thief that has come to steal, kill, and destroy our joy. 

Let me say that again: 

Fear is and has been the thief that has come to steal, kill, and destroy our joy.

God wants us to embrace life, to have it to the full – which in other places is literally translated as “making my joy complete.”  In other words, life to the full is complete joy. Just think about that.  Joy is rarely a topic of discussion these days. And if that is what is to complete us, no wonder we are struggling in our world.    

Before returning, Sue and I went to see the movie Inside Out 2.  If you saw the first movie, you were introduced to several personified emotions in the head of a young girl named Riley.  The main character or emotion was Joy and she had some sidekicks, Anger, Fear, Disgust, and Sadness. But in Inside Out 2, Riley enters puberty, and some new emotions show up, one being Anxiety.  At one point a joke is made about Fear liking how Anxiety thinks.  In real life I think our fear and anxiety team up to become a thief of our joy.  

This thief of fear and anxiety came knocking on Sue and my doors weirdly about every Thursday during our time away.  Being hundreds of miles away from family, each of our children went through a major crisis that could have easily become a thief and stole our joy.  One child was having a crisis with their job and was worried they may need to leave it, one was diagnosed with Covid, and one lost electricity at their apartment for four days due to a bad storm. 

And even though it wasn’t on a Thursday, during our last week, we were sideswiped by a 4-Runner on I-90 in Illinois, just 30 minutes from our last stop. We could have easily allowed these things to rob us of the joy of our entire time away, but by this point we were not going to let the thief steal our joy by producing fear and anxiety in our hearts. 

Instead, the night of our accident, Sue and I enjoyed dinner at McNally’s Irish Pub in St. Charles, IL where I first took Sue almost 25 years earlier for a date night, because she had mentioned she wanted to go to Ireland someday. Yet being newly married and on ministry/teacher salaries – McNally’s would have to do.  McNally’s is about as authentic as you can get though, since an Irish family gutted a pub in Ireland and brought it to St. Charles.

Just before Covid, my parents, Sue, and I went to see author and speaker Rob Bell in Fountain Square.  Not knowing that in about a month we would head into Covid, appropriately his talk was titled, An Introduction to Joy.  In his own unique way, Rob addressed the fear and anxiety, but quickly moved to another joy stealer.

He pointed out that joy is the opposite of cynicism.  Rob says,

“Cynicism is the new religion of our world. whatever it is, this religion teaches that it isn’t as good as it seems.  it will let you down.  it will betray you. That institution? That church? That politician? That authority figure? They’ll all let you down. Whatever you do, don’t get your hopes up. Whatever you think it is, whatever it appears to be, it will burn you, just give it time.

This is because cynicism is lazy, but joy puts the effort in, takes risks, goes all out. Cynicism is easy and unimaginative and kills off delight. Ultimately, there’s no room for cynicism in joy. 

For Sue and I, getting away from the daily grind, turning off the TV, radio and social media, and spending our time enjoying the moment, left fear and cynicism at a pretty good distance.  I found myself happier, or maybe I should say more joyful, and not looking through as critical of eyes.

It is clear that anxiety, stress, and fear can easily create cynical mindsets and have us consumed with what the outcomes might be – and folks, that is how our joy is stolen.

One night in our hotel, I was battling a cold or allergies and just wanted to rest while Sue went down to work out.  I had not really turned on the T.V. in a couple of weeks, other than to check the weather.  As the T.V. came on, it happened to be the last 5 minutes of the first Presidential Debate.  I could instantly feel my anxiety skyrocket.  I felt the “thief” sucking the joy right out of me and decided to turn off the T.V. and simply go to bed.  The next day I had to internally fight myself not to consume my thoughts with what I saw in those 5 minutes.  The fear, anxiety, and cynicism were trying to steal my joy – but I was not about to let it.     

One morning, Sue and I decided to take a long walk on Newport Beach in California. We had already taken the two mile walk and ferry to Balboa Island a couple days before.  So, this morning, we headed north which landed us in the Lido District.  There people were exiting yachts and shopping in stores that we felt uncomfortable even window-shopping in.  Just off the Lido District was a small independent bookstore.  If you read my As Way Opens last week, you know that I was intentional about not taking any books on my trip and allowing myself to find the love of reading again. 

You see, ministry, preaching, and teaching all demand I be constantly reading and learning, so as to be prepared to partner with what the Divine is putting on my heart to share with you. But after 29 years of doing that, I realized that even reading had become a thief of my joy.  Intentionally putting distance between me and a book felt almost freeing – and that says something because I love books and bookstores.

When we walked into that little independent bookstore, I felt a bit anxious.  I pursued the shelves but was cautious to touch any book.  Sue had already found a couple books and was having a conversation with the bookseller.  So, I sat down on the only chair in the store - kind of giving up.  That is when my eyes caught the title of a book on the shelf in front of me.  It was For Small Creatures Such as We: Rituals for Finding Meaning in Our Unlikely World written by Sasha Sagan. 

At first, I had not heard of the author.  But as I opened the book and began reading the introduction, I found out this was the first book by astronomer and scientist, Carl Sagan’s daughter.  I was intrigued that of all people she was talking about rituals. Something, I honestly wrestle with as a Quaker, because at times in my spiritual journey rituals have been very important to my experience of the Divine.  Don’t get me wrong…we Quakers have many rituals – we just don’t like labeling them that way.

But what sold me on this book, was one phrase in one paragraph in the introduction.  Sasha wrote,

If you are devoutly religious, firstly, I’m delighted you’re reading this. Thank you. If you have total convictions about your faith, you have plenty to celebrate already. This book is not intended to dissuade you, only to increase what there is to be joyful about.

To increase what there is to be joyful about.

If I was to sum up my entire time away, I would use that phrase – it was to increase what there is to be joyful about.  I did not know that until I read that phrase, but it has been evident ever since.

What I find interesting is that scripture is full of this same sentiment.  Throughout the Bible – Old and New Testaments, Jesus, Paul, the Psalmists and Prophets all talk about increasing the joy – even making it complete.  Take for example:

Nehemiah 8:10 (I love this one, just listen)

Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

Joy is strength. Lack of joy is weakness. I guess we need more joy, right.

Or how about John writing this in 1 John 1:4

Our motive for writing is simply this: We want you to enjoy this, too. Your joy will double our joy!

Joy is contagious and spreads. It is communal.  Fear, anxiety, and cynicism leaves us alone and scared.

Or how about John 16: 24

Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, so that your joy will be the fullest possible joy.

The fullest possible joy.  It seems that our joy is important to those throughout scripture.

And finally, we turn to Jesus in John 15:11 who not only wants us to have joy, he wants us to have HIS joy, saying,

I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

And what that says to me is if we are to live like Christ then when we share the joy within us with someone else it becomes their joy and makes us both more complete.  I kind of think I know why people don’t have much joy in this world these days.  Might it be because we are not sharing it, experiencing it, or even recognizing it.

As I was writing this message, I came across a recent Global Report statistic that says,

45% of people have not felt true happiness (or joy) for more than 2 years. And for adolescents in the United States, it has consistently dropped since 2011 and is at an all-time low, while mental health issues are rising over three times as fast.  

Now, we can argue about the differences between happiness and joy, or debate the benefit or detriment of technology and social media, but when we get right down to it, I think we need to ask ourselves some important queries about increasing the joy in this world. I have decided that I want us to look at joy for the next couple of weeks, because I have learned and am learning more about what we are missing, and I feel a nudge from the Spirit to delve into it.  

Until next week, here are some of those queries to consider during waiting worship.  Ask yourself,

·        Where am I experiencing joy in my life? Do I know what gives me joy? 

·        Am I sharing that joy with those around me?

·        Is my joy making me “complete” or is my fear, anxiety, and cynicism getting in the way? 

7-7-24 - Tell Me More: The Value of Staying Curious

Tell Me More: The Value of Staying Curious

Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting

Eric Baker

July 7, 2024

Good morning, Friends and thank you for joining Light Reflections. Today’s scripture is Proverbs 1:1-7,New International Version.

“The proverbs of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel:

 for gaining wisdom and instruction;
    for understanding words of insight;
 for receiving instruction in prudent behavior,
    doing what is right and just and fair;
 for giving prudence to those who are simple,
    knowledge and discretion to the young—
 let the wise listen and add to their learning,
    and let the discerning get guidance—
 for understanding proverbs and parables,
    the sayings and riddles of the wise.

 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,
    but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

Most of you know that my earliest love, the thing I’ve done my entire life, is music. I’ve always enjoyed playing music for the joy it seems to bring to other people. Music can bring smiles to faces, it can cause people to get up and dance, to sing along… And, something I’m most interested in these days, is that music is something that can bring down walls and unite people. It can connect us to one another, to a certain degree.

I was in the gas station a few weeks ago, standing in line, inside the convenience store, to get a bottle of water on one of the very hot days we’ve had recently. Standing in front of me was a guy with a t-shirt that had… Well, let’s just say, it was a t-shirt I would never wear, because of what it was promoting. I tried my best not to think bad thoughts and judge this guy standing just a few feet in front of me. And then, out of nowhere, the convenience store speakers started playing “Gimme Some Lovin’”, by the Spencer Davis Group (featuring a young Steve Winwood). Immediately, this guy and I were both moving to the beat, and within about 5 seconds, started talking to each other about how we both loved this song.  I’d love to tell you that we hugged it out right there in line, and I convinced him to burn that t-shirt, and stop promoting such hateful messages. But that would be a lie.

If music can be a uniter of people on a somewhat superficial level, what can help us to go deeper? What can connect us in more significant ways?

For several years now, I’ve performed music at an assisted living facility in Fishers, once a month. I come in, usually on a Wednesday afternoon, to perform music during the residents’ happy hour. And it’s a great time, and something I look forward to every month. I’ve gotten to know several of the residents there over the last few years. And one that I always look forward to seeing and talking with is a gentleman named Jim. Jim and his wife are both 91 years old, and just last week celebrated 70 years of marriage to one another. Jim was an all-American high jumper in high school, and went to the University of Michigan on a track scholarship. After college, he and his wife moved to central Indiana and raised their kids here. A few weeks ago when I was there, we were catching up, and I told Jim that I had just that week marked the occasion of turning 50 years old. He smiled and said, “50? Well you’re just a kid. I’m almost twice your age!” We laughed, and I made some remark about how well he and his wife are aging, and how much joy they seem to exude. And here’s what he said:

“Thanks, Eric. You know, my wife and I have watched so many of our friends get older, and become convinced that their life is over, so they just sit in a corner and wait to die. We didn’t want to do that. We still love life. We love each other, and we love the joy and energy we get from spending time with other people in our lives. We thought about just sitting in a corner and waiting to die”, he smirked, “but, um, we didn’t really see a future in that.”

Jim’s got jokes!

“We still love life. …And we love the joy and energy we get from spending time with other people.” That’s certainly something to reflect on. But, we’ll get back to that later.

Today’s scripture we just heard was the first 7 verses of the book of Proverbs, written by King Solomon, the king of Israel, and the son of King David. Solomon is said to have been the wisest man in the world. And the book of Proverbs are his sayings, his instructions, in a way, for gaining wisdom.

Verse 5 of that passage says this: ”Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance”.

I decided to call this message, “Tell Me More: The Value of Staying Curious”, and not simply “The Value of Being Curious”. I believe we’re all born curious. How many parents listening today can recall conversations with your toddler child, where they would simply ask “Why?” over and over? This is how we start to try and understand how the world works, right? So, what is it that happens, sometime between childhood and later in life, that can so often turn that curiosity off?

When I was growing up, one thing that was instilled in me was that any adult in my life could be an authority figure. I grew up spending time not just with immediate family, but with extended family, as well. In those settings, it didn’t matter if it was my parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles telling me something – the expectation was that I was going to listen to them, and generally do what I was told. The same was true in church. If my brother and I were getting rambunctious during one of the pastor’s sermons, it didn’t matter if we were distracting one of my parents, or Dave Brandt the greeter, or Verna Aurthur the Sunday School teacher, or even George, the guy who smelled a little different, and might have been homeless. If they had words for me, I was expected to listen.

As a middle-aged adult now, thinking back on those days, the value that has stayed with me is this: Any person is someone who might have something to teach me. Again, any person is someone who might have something to teach me. In fact, when I reflect on that, it sounds very Quakerly, in line with values we talk about here – to try and recognize “that of God” in everyone I meet.

Now, we may be getting a little ahead of ourselves here. I mean, isn’t curiosity just the desire to obtain more information? To understand things? Well, yes. But what if we talk about curiosity in the context of not only understanding things, but trying to better understand people, as well? And for that, let me throw out a related concept: that of empathy.

In her article “The Importance of Curiosity and Empathy”, written last year, business consultant and writer Christine Peterson says this:

Without curiosity, we will have no drive to explore, to learn, or to grow intellectually. Without empathy, we will have no ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Curiosity and empathy are two powerful traits that have a profound impact on our personal growth, relationships, and understanding of the world. Curiosity fuels exploration, innovation, and learning, while empathy enables a deeper understanding of others' perspectives, needs, and emotions.

She says, “At its core, curiosity is a genuine desire to understand the world around us. It propels us to ask questions, seek new knowledge, and explore different perspectives. If you are curious, you are more likely to engage in active listening.”

Wait, listening… Where have I heard that before? That’s right – Verse 5 of the passage from Proverbs – “Let the wise listen and add to their learning”. In essence, let the wise listen and get wiser.

Peterson goes on to say, “By genuinely empathizing with others’ concerns, challenges, and aspirations, we can build stronger relationships, inspire trust, and create a more inclusive and supportive environment. Empathy nurtures curiosity by fostering a genuine interest in the world of others.”

So, let me see if I’m getting this: Curiosity leads to learning, and empathy leads to understanding people from their own perspective.

Let’s go back to my friend Jim, the 91 year old who decided not to just sit in a corner and wait to die. What do you think it is that continues to motivate him, what fuels his curiosity to cause him to keep discovering the value and meaning in living a full life? I would submit this: An open-ness.

Let’s explore the idea of what it means to be “open”. I think we probably know what it means to have an open mind – someone who isn’t stuck in preconditioned ideas or stereotypes – stereotypes about things, or stereotypes about people – both individuals and people groups.

That’s an open mind. So what about an open heart? Ok, I can almost hear some of you groaning - An open heart? Is that one of those things we talk about as we’re holding hands in a circle, and singing Kum-by-yah? Well, not necessarily.

Someone who has an open heart is kind, loving, generous. You might recognize some of these traits if you’re familiar with the writings of the Apostle Paul, when he writes in the New Testament book of Galatians about the “fruits of the Spirit”. He writes, in chapter 5: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness…”. Those sound like the traits of someone with an open heart.

In fact, what if being open, and the practice of curiosity is simply the channel, or conduit, if you will, that moves us into deeper and better understanding of one another, and how we all belong in the world?

Ok, we’ve talked about having an open mind, and having an open heart. What about an open hand, metaphorically?

In his song “We Are the People”, musician and producer Martin Garrix, along with U2’s Bono and the Edge, proclaim this in the chorus:

We are the people we've been waiting for
Out of the ruins of hate and war
Army of lovers never seen before
We are the people we've been waiting for
We are the people of the open hand
The streets of Dublin to Notre-Dame
We'll build it better than we did before
We are the people we've been waiting for

What if we, sitting here in this Meetinghouse today, became known as the “people of the open hand”? What if we became known as a people who fostered a genuine interest in others? People who are conversationally curious, and empathetic towards the experiences of others?

Some of my favorite people in the world have modeled this for me and others. And some of those people are sitting here in this room today.

Now, I do wonder why empathy and curiosity sometimes seem like hard things to put into practice – and maybe especially when we’re talking about people who are different than us. Maybe they look different than us. Maybe they’ve made different types of choices, and they live a different type of lifestyle. Maybe its people whose poor choices are simply more public than ours.

Why is this hard? Allow me to venture a guess.

The loudest story that gets told – in the news, on social media, and by policy makers of all stripes -is that life is either one extreme or the other. If I’m not completely committed to everything the Republican party stands for, then I am a radical-left Liberal. And if I don’t judge you for your behavior, then, by default, I’m accepting of and in agreement with every choice you’ve made. But I believe this is a lie. I don’t think life is lived in either one extreme, or its polar opposite. I believe true life is lived in the gray, in the nuance. Personally, it’s not my place to judge anyone else’s choices. But the opposite of a cold, distant, and impersonal judgment need not be an equally cold, distant, and impersonal blanket acceptance. What if the opposite of judgment is a conversational curiosity? A “genuine interest in the world of others”, as Christine Peterson wrote?

I’d rather be part of the people of the open hand. We’ll always have the option of saying (closes fist) “I have no need to hear your story, or learn from you.” But maybe instead, we can start learning to say (opens hand) “Tell me more.”

Now as we center down, let’s take some time to ponder these queries:

Do I practice active listening, in order to gain wisdom?

How can I be more open – open to ideas, to possibilities, and to the stories of those around me?

What are some everyday ways that I can practice a conversational curiosity with the people that I come in contact with?

6-30-24 - Lessons from Life - Beth Henricks

Lessons from Life

Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting

Beth Henricks

June 30, 2024

Good morning, Friends. Our scriptures are Proverbs 2:1-5 and James 3:13-18. 

“My child, if you accept my words
 and treasure up my commandments within you,
 making your ear attentive to wisdom
 and inclining your heart to understanding,
 if you indeed cry out for insight
 and raise your voice for understanding,
 if you seek it like silver
 and search for it as for hidden treasures—
 then you will understand the fear of the Lord
 and find the knowledge of God.”

“Who is wise and knowledgeable among you? Show by your good life that your works are done with gentleness born of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not be arrogant and lie about the truth. This is not wisdom that comes down from above but is earthly, unspiritual, devilish. For where there is envy and selfish ambition, there will also be disorder and wickedness of every kind. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”

Friends, what a joy to watch our kids during VBS engage with God and each other as we spent the week learning about friendship with God and its many dimensions that we can trust. The singing, the dancing, the games, snacks, Bible stores and expanding our imaginations all filled us with joy and awe that week and I always come away from the experience tired and yet thankful for what our children teach us. I hope you enjoyed this brief glimpse into the amazing week we had together.

It’s the time of year where we hear a lot of graduation speeches from high school and college stages. We listen to individuals that we admire for certain accomplishments, share their wisdom in their journey to achieve their success. I have been thinking about what we need to impart as wisdom to our own children and young people at First Friends so they may yield good fruit full of mercy. How do we share our insights of our Spiritual journey? I believe it is through our involvement in programs like VBS, children’s worship, youth group, family activities and our interactions and connections with our children and youth so they see in us a life that seeks the understanding and knowledge of the Spirit. Our children are watching us and observing how we live out the teachings of Jesus every day.

One commencement speech I was drawn to and had to listen to it in its entirety was Roger Federer speaking at Dartmouth College. Federer is the great tennis player that retired 2 years ago. I’ve always admired this man’s tennis (even though Rafa Nadal is my all-time favorite player) and the way he conducts himself on the court and the way he treats his opponents. I hope everyone views the video of the last time Federer and Nadal were on the court together. They held hands and both got emotional with flowing tears and quivering lips – so much respect between these two great tennis players.

Federer was very self-deprecating in his message last month. He said it’s only the 2nd time he’s been on a college campus as he left school at 15 to pursue tennis full time. He was awarded an honorary doctorate that day at Dartmouth.

Federer’s first mantra to share with the graduates was that Effortless is a Myth. Many folks over the years would comment and describe Federer’s style as effortless but nothing could be further from the truth. Hard work is everything. Federer recounted that earlier in his career he remembered that he would be the favorite player for the first 2 hours of the match and then the opponent knew he would become the favorite for the remainder of the match. Roger realized that he could not just rely on talent but that he had to train harder and work harder than anyone else to become the champion that he is. When we have discipline and train and work harder and longer, we will sometimes win even when we are at our worst. We have to trust ourselves when we have put in the work.

Federer’s second mantra is that It’s Only a Point. We will all face losses, setbacks, disappointments and yet we can’t allow that to derail us or mire our feet in inaction. Federer pointed out that on average in most championship games for major tournaments the points won are 54%. That means that 46 % of the time the winner of the game loses the point. That is a small difference between winning and losing. Federer shared about that Wimbledon match in 2008 against Nadal that is sometimes called the greatest match of all time. Federer was playing for history trying to achieve his 6th consecutive Wimbledon title. The match went on for over 5 hours and Nadal came out the winner and Federer realized this dream would not happen. He said that the match was lost in the first set because Nadal came out hungrier and Federer played that negative narrative in his mind because Nadal had just beat him at the French Open and the seed of doubt crept into his head.

Perfection is impossible. Many of us tend toward perfectionism and we can drive ourselves to negative places trying to achieve this. We must view each point in our lives as just that. We could feel terrific about something and appreciate it in the moment but something negative could be lurking in the shadows. One of the lessons I learned that was so valuable to me with my husband Jerry while he was alive was that nothing is as good as it appears, and nothing is as bad as it appears. We often go to the bottom of gloom or the high of euphoria and both are an illusion. I think Federer understands this and incorporates this in his approach to his game of tennis.

Federer didn’t collapse with that disappointing loss at Wimbledon and lose his focus and form. The best know how to lose and learn to deal with it, adapt and grow from the loss and work smarter in the future. This certainly proved true with Federer as he holds the third most grand slam titles in history with 20.

Federer’s third and final mantra is that Life is Bigger than the Court. I believe this is the most important point that we all need to embrace in our lives. We often define ourselves in a couple of ways – with our career, our role as parent or spouse or with our tribe and these are important identities that can require our discipline and hard work. But it is important that we seek out a rewarding and holistic life with things like culture, friendships, knowledge and curiosity. 

No matter what we achieve we must never abandon our roots – these roots are planted deeply within us, and they will be our foundation when the storms enter our lives. These roots are nurtured through family or mentors that guide and challenge us. They are watered through communities that we are a part of – faith communities, neighborhoods, extended family, teachers, coaches etc.

It is important that we serve others. This is a key to living an integrated and holistic life. We find meaning when we give of ourselves to others. This can take many forms and will be individual to each of us. 

We are all part of a team even when our sport is one on one with the opponent. Our team prepares us, supports us, encourages us, points out our weaknesses and offers suggestions to problems. We all need a team as we journey through life. 

Federer says to play free. I think that means that if we prepare and work, we should then release the outcome, live and play with abandon, and not take ourselves too seriously and lean into the moment. Anyone that achieves success is doing “that thing” they love, and their passion is so great that they wouldn’t do anything else. Others are drawn to someone that is energetic and passionate and believes wholeheartedly in what they are doing. Negative energy is wasted energy.

Friends, I take this wisdom from Federer and connect this with the path of Christ. The book of James is full of the idea that grace without works is dead. We must work hard and serve others or grace is an empty vessel. It is available but has little meaning without our participation.

 Jesus is all about redemption when we fail. The Prodigal Son is a great parable that emphasizes that God loves us even in our failings and disappointments. We lose 46% of our points in life and yet God loves and embraces us throughout this journey.

Jesus emphasizes the wholeness of life. Jesus does not partition our religious life, our family life, our work life. He connects all of them in a web of mutuality and interdependence. 

We now enter a time of waiting worship. Here are a few queries for you to consider. I welcome you into this holy remote gathering. 

 Do I put in the work and the effort in my spiritual life?

Am I able to move on beyond my disappointments and losses?

How do I seek to live in a holistic way?

6-16-24 - Being a Father - Tom Rockwell

Being a Father

Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting

Tom Rockwell

June 16, 2024

Matthew 7:7-11

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

I wanted to do something related to parenting for Father’s day. I’ve got three step kids ranging from 24 to 16 and a child of my own who will be two years old in two months.

          I settled on a passage that feels very straight forward and helpful, but that has a lot of depth when you get into the complexities. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? The face value of this statement to me is that parents love their kids and want what is best for them. I wish that loving people and wanting the best for them was straight forward. In my experience it is not so easy.

          The complications in this case come in two forms: what if your child thinks they’re asking for bread but are really asking for a stone? And what do you do when you aren’t even sure what bread is for your child?

          Here are some examples of a child asking for a stone:

          There was a large knife at the table that my twenty two month old was repeatedly asking for, grabbing at, and greatly desiring. She thinks it’s a cool new toy, I know it is an unpleasant emergency room visit. She thinks it's bread. I know it’s a stone.

          Slightly more complicated: say you just foolishly moved to a house down the street from a Dairy Queen like I did. Now every time you pass you of course get the question: “can we get Dairy Queen”. Now I enjoy a chocolate dipped cone as much as the next fellow - or perhaps even more than the next fellow - but I’m aware that a daily Dairy Queen visit is going to help neither my waistline nor my wallet. Ice Cream certainly seems like bread to a child - and in fact sometimes it is, we all need little pleasures and ice cream is a good one. It’s only when it’s an everyday occurrence that it becomes a stone. I’m the one who has to be the downer and say we can’t get ice cream every day.

          A little more complication still: your child decides that the best thing for him moving forward is to give up school and become a professional video game streamer. He is prepared with a slideshow featuring the earnings of a number of notable streamers. You are hopefully sage enough to know that they are unlikely to be one of those notable streamers. But they’re getting older, they have some gifts in that area and they need to make their own mistakes and learn from their own life and all the sudden you have to decide how long can you even stop your kid from picking a stone? And are you overstepping your role if you do that forever?

          In fact, there comes a point that when you’re kid asks for a stone thinking it is bread, you sometimes just have let them have the stone and figure it out for themselves. Navigating when to make those decisions seems decidedly not simple and most of us are likely to make some mistakes.

          If a big part of parenting is convincing kids that what they think is bread is actually a stone. then eventually recognizing that you will not be able to convince them and protect them forever is part of that process

So our first complication is trying to make sure our kids can recognize bread and stone, and keep them from mistaking the two.

Our second complication is the situation where the line between bread and stone is blurry even for us.

A simple example: your kid is sick, when do you take them to the doctor? They might get exposed to something at the hospital, they might take meds that come with side effects but little benefit. The line between bread and stone is not super clear.

Getting more complicated: for divorced parents, trying to work with a parent you are separated from, maybe a new partner who is being introduced into the situation, and kids who are having responses to all of it, you quickly find yourself in a quagmire of responses. Kids start asking for things that they say are for themselves - more time with one parent than the other, say - but really it is something to please the other parent. You have to decide and it is never very easy. What’s bread and what’s stone becomes supremely unclear.

Another example, one of the harder ones I’ve experienced: if your kid has challenges with school or a disability. Where do you draw the line with challenging them? Their experiences are not the same as other kids, how can you even compare to have an idea of what to do? Should they do the same things as all the other kids? Should they do less? Spend more time in a more heavily supported classroom> Maybe your kid is so miserable in school they’re refusing to go and you have to make them.

Sometimes in situations like these it feels like there isn’t even bread to give.

I think Jesus' parable is for a simple situation: when your kid is hungry you give them food.

It can work on a more complicated level if we’re willing to navigate the tension and complications. But if we move forward pretending the complexities aren’t there, I think we run into trouble.

It gets really problematic if we allow this story to play out into what we might call “God’s plan” theology: basically that God knows a good option for us all the time. As parents it should be apparent how this is problematic. You can’t always know what is best, and sometimes the best option is still a pretty unpleasant one.

The idea that God always has a good option for us is, I think, a false one. Bad things happen to good people. Some things are so horrible in the world - violence, abuse, war - that there is nothing really good in them. Returning to wholeness from those bad things is normally a pretty unpleasant process. While most of the time we have good options, sometimes there are only the best of bad options. To say there is always a good choice is an idea that dismisses too much suffering in the world.

I think our situation is similar as parents, we can’t always give a good option, and as far as it’s in our children’s power, they may not always make the best choices.

I do think God has a good option for everything in the long run, a view best encapsulated in the idea that in the long run the arc of the world is bending toward justice. God can’t prevent every bad thing from happening. God can’t make everything good right now. But God has set in motion a change in the world that will end in the world coming to wholeness.

Similarly, we as parents have the right idea in the long run, it’s just challenging to get it right in every situation, there are going to be mistakes and missteps. But generally our love for our kids leads us in the right way even if we don’t take the right step every time.

I think what God offers us is constant encouragement towards the right option, a constant leading to go in the right direction even if it's not always an ideal option.

Which i think is mirrored in our parenting, my goal is to provide constant leadings in the right direction, recognizing that there are going to be some missteps and especially once you get to the teenage years there are going to be times when the best bread is cast aside for a pretty unfortunate stone.

But we can accompany and support our kids in these times even if we can’t fix them. We can share our own experiences of failure so that our kids know they are not alone. We can show unconditional love for our kids even when they do something stupid or harmful. We can have the long-range perspective to have faith even when our kids experience a devastating failure and struggle to see how things can get better. We can remember God's grace for the ways that we are limited and offer them that same grace. We can ask God's forgiveness for harms and mistakes we’ve made with our parenting. We can know for them, that God is the ultimate parent who loves us and our children and is with us through everything.

 Queries:

·        How do we distinguish between our kids wants and needs?

·        How do decide when our urge to protect others is keeping them from the freedom they need to grow?